UnNews:Mysterious 'red dog' found on Orkney

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Mysterious 'red dog' found on Orkney

Democracy Dies with Dignity

UnNews Logo Potato
Wednesday, March 21, 2018, 20:59:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

13 December 2007


One nice and talented local eyewitness drew us a pretty picture of the mystery beast.

Orkney, Scotland - The discovery of a mysterious dead red dog on Orkney has sparked amazement among local zoologists and environmentalists.

The discovery was made by local reporter David Gray who found the seven-month-old dog on the B962 Kirkwall to Holm road on Wednesday morning. “It wasn’t like anything I’ve or anyone else from these islands have ever seen before. It was like a Border Collie sheepdog but it wasn’t black and white - it was red. It also had these enormous big white pointy teeth!”

The dog has now been sent to the Scottish Agricultural College laboratory on the mainland for a post mortem examination. “We’ve sent a message across to Caithness on the mainland” she said. “It might take a few days for the pigeons to get there but we’re pretty sure this will be news to them too.” If found to be of cultural significance, the animal may also be stuffed and put on display in the Orkney Museum when released.

Officials on Orkney believe they may have discovered a new species of dog (the Orcadian Collie), but one watchful islander from Stromness was quick to point out that it looks very similar to the “little doggy on the Firefox logo”.

From his home in Stromness, Mr Stout said: “There’s a rumour sweeping the island that it may be a fox, but everyone around here knows foxes were hunted to extinction during the late Iron Age… that’s if they ever really existed, like a Phoenix or a unicorn ye ken, like.”

The local vet Heather Ramsay thinks that it may have been kept as a pet. "He's such an unusual animal to find here but there’s a lot of unusual pets being kept these days. Remember those weird guys from Las Vegas that used to own that tiger? Perhaps this is just some unusual species of oriental dog that someone has brought back from their holidays. It’s certainly not one a bloody mythical ‘fox’! Who would want to own one of them anyway?"

"I’m a veterinary surgeon and I’ve never even seen or heard of one! Red Irish Setter, yes. Fox, no. Whoever had this dog and it's escaped or been released, if there's anymore then I would like to know because they have to go. Redheads were banished from the Orkney Islands in the late 1800s and it now seems that even the dogs have caught this horrible ginger disease. Whatever they are, they have to go back to the mainland. We just could not cope with gingers on Orkney!"


The B962 has been closed at the scene of the accident while forensic tests are being carried out.

Mrs Ramsay's idea has been backed up by tests from the agricultural college laboratory which show an abnormal concentration of dog biscuits and Pedigree® Junior Large Dog in the animals droppings. Canine expert Dr John Collie said: "It has to be someone's pet. Dog food doesn't grow on trees and not even trees grow on Orkney!"

Highland Constabulary are keen to speak to a Korean couple who were last seen at a Tourist Information Centre in Kirkwall a month or two ago during a visit to the islands. “The vet thinks that the dog died from a road accident but we’ve heard some funny things about what they (those Koreans) do to dogs over there. You can’t be too careful when it comes to tourists.”

"We've also been in contact with the local butcher about some guy who's been buying an unusual number of rabbits recently. We would urge anyone with further information to contact us as a matter of urgency. If someone's keeping illegal oriental animals on this island, we'll find them."

This article would just like to point out that the mysterious animal wasn't a genetic freak as a result of Orkney's high inbread population.

edit Sources

Personal tools