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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 05:49 (UTC)
16 January 2013
Beverly Hills, California, USA -- Social networking site Myspace issued a relaunch today, taking many in the industry by surprise.
"I had no idea Myspace was still around," said Uncyclopedia's legacy technology reporter, Abe Vigoda. "I was quite shocked at the announcement. At first, I thought of might have died and gone to hell without realizing it. I actually get those thoughts rather frequently, but I digress. Fortunately, facebook's continued existence proved that I don't have to rely on myspace for my social networking needs, and I am still alive, or at the very least in limbo or the upper parts of purgatory."
When asked about what this "myspace" is, Mr. Vigoda explained, "You kids know what facebook is, right. Well, a long time ago, myspace was somewhat like that. However, myspace allowed members to edit their pages. No, in theory, this doesn't sound bad. However, any person who wants to make their social networking page look special probably doesn't understand that posting professionally made music videos doesn't make one unique. This resulted personal pages that would bombard the viewer with music videos, white-on-black text, and other such foolishness. Not only did this make cyber-stalking your friends obnoxious, but was a strain on bandwidth. Remember, myspace was popular back around the turn of the century, when the internet was much slower than it is now."
Vigoda continued, "Over the years, there was a flight from myspace to facebook, as people desired to use cleaner, less emo, social networking site. This resulted in a cascading effect. As more people left myspace, the total user pool decreased, making myspace even less useful. Eventually, even emos were forced to migrate as no-one was left to look at their special profile pages. Unfortunately, Myspace responded to the exodus by making its interface even more cluttered less user friendly in order to appeal to the angsty teen demographic. This only hastened its decline."
"It has also come to my attention that Justin Timberlake is still alive, and in fact owns myspace now," said Vigoda. When asked who this "Justin Timberlake" was, Vigoda explained, "Justin Timberlake was the Justin Bieber of your parents' generation. He wasn't quite as girly as Bieber, but few people are. He was in a boy-band called "'N Sync" and dated Britney Spears back when she was attractive. Apparently, it seems Timberlake is trying to restart his music career, but at his age, I think it is a lost cause."
- Eliot Van Buskirk "Myspace Relaunches With New Justin Timberlake Single ‘Suit & Tie’". WIRED, January 15, 2013