UnNews:Mushrooms among brainiest vegetables
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Mushrooms among brainiest vegetables
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, January 16, 2017, 12:50:UTC)(
16 January 2007
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“Most people don’t want to think of vegetables as being intelligent,” Dill Q. Cumber, a spokesman for the group said, “because they’d rather eat something that’s not too brainy, like cauliflower.”
The mushroom scored 165 on the Vege I. Q. scale, which equates to 160 on the Stanford-Bidet scale, making mushrooms vegetable geniuses in the same category as such notably bright humans as Bill Gates (I. Q. 165), Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf (I. Q. 165), and Hugh Hefner (I. Q. 156) and “way smarter than both Donald Trump (I. Q. 147) and Rosie O’Donnell (I. Q. 19),” Cumber said.
Among vegetables, intelligence is measured according to the defensive mechanisms they have developed over the millennia, and how many roots and tubers they possess. Some defenses include tasting bad or being poisonous to potential predators; being equipped with thorns; and being able to hog sunlight, rain, and soil nutrients while choking out competitive plants. Points are awarded for ghastly appearances, too.
Mushrooms do well in poisoning diners, causing slight gastrointestinal discomfort or, among the more intelligent fungal plants, even death. Their appearance makes some of them indistinguishable from toadstools. They can cause lethargy, headache, dizziness, cold sweat, vomiting, sharp abdominal pains, jaundice, and severe diarrhea. They grow well in darkness and among feces, which makes them highly competitive against other plants, which draw the line at feces living, and they can develop extensive root and tuber systems. Sometimes, they resemble famous individuals. One looked similar to Hillary Clinton (I. Q. 145) , and another looked like Nancy Pelosi (I. Q. 98.6) , which has endeared them, respectively, to Bill Clinton (I. Q. 160) and President George Bush (I. Q. 119).
“Oooh! I didn’t know vegetables had brains,” Britney Spears (I. Q. 18) cried, horrified at the news that her salad is smarter than she is. “Half of Hollywood eats nothing but vegetables. I guess I should have stayed a carny bore [carnivore].”
Pee Wee Herman (I. Q. 128/64) was delighted at the news that vegetables are intelligent. “I’ve been having intimate relations with a mushroom of the stinkhorn variety,” the entertainer told Unnews reporter Lotta Lies (I. Q. 180), “but I never knew the phallic plant had brains as well as beauty.” He told Lies that he plans to communicate with his “playmate,” teaching it a few techniques that he believes will be “mutually satisfying.”
O’Donnell claims that she is brighter than her fellow comedian, Carrot Top (I. Q. 63), although her adversary, Trump, says, “As to which is brighter, Rosie or a rutabaga (I. Q. 128), my money’s on the turnip.”