UnNews:Mugabe's thoughts recorded by communication satellite
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Mugabe's thoughts recorded by communication satellite
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, January 24, 2017, 15:42:UTC)(
3 April 2008
HARARE - April 3, 2008 - Robert Mugabe, president, dictator, and pope of Zimbabwe, currently ponders the results of the latest election. For this purpose he has withdrawn from public life for the time being. However, due to his enormous charisma and vibrant personality, an UnNews telecommunications satellite was able to receive and record his thoughts using the latest gadgets of measurement technology. Since these thoughts are of outstanding interest to the world public, UnNews felt compelled to publish them exclusively:
- I'm too old for this shit!
- Am I a dictator or a president? If I'm a dictator, why do I bother with such a bloody election?
- But if I'm a president only, why do the others always stand at attention when I'm near? I gotta be a dictator. Or not?
- Why don't they count the ballots once more? I should have bought those fancy electronic voting machines.
- Now, the idea with the long-dead people on the electoral registers, that had a touch of genius, hadn't it? But why did those dim-witted zombies vote for Tsvangirai? Where's my voodoo handbook?
- Ha ha, let Tsvangirai become president, what do I care? The first time George Bush tries to pronounce his name, his false teeth will fall out!
- I want a cup of coffee. Why is a simple cup of coffee 50 millions? Am I Bill Gates?