|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
20 November 2007
HOLLYWOOD, California -- Charmin pitchman and television icon Mr. Whipple, has died at the age of 91. Whipple, born George Whipple Bush but dropped his last name at age 18, died Monday after squeezing your mom, i mean a package of Charmin that was contaminated with E. Coli. Whipple was unaware of the contamination, despite the warnings of bystanders at the local grocery store called Albertsons.
"It was horrifying!" said John McCartney, 41. "I couldn't look. I had to cover my eyes."
"It was hilarious!!" stated Heather Mills McCortney, 109. "I couldn't stop laughing. I was crying I was laughing so hard."
As he squeezed, the TV legend inhaled a bit of the bacteria, which quickly led to a heart attack and an unbearable urge to pee. Confused Whipple didn't know which one he needed to take care of first. Onlookers immediately dialled 911 and the paramedics arrived. While at the hospital, Whipple used the bathroom with a clean, healthy roll of Charmin. Doctors told him that he had been infected with E. Coli and only had a few hours left to live. Whipple replied with, "Oh, crap! What do I do now?"
Mr. Whipple spent his final moments watching television, disappointed he didn't make the TV Land and Entertainment Weekly list of the 50 Greatest TV Icons. He wrote a letter to Viacom, TV Land's parent company, which ended with the words, "You Suck! May you never squeeze my prized Charmin! And Johnny Carson wasn't that funny, either! Go sit on a cactus and rotate 360 degrees! Love, Mr. Whipple"
He died after licking the envelope; it has not been confirmed to have contained anthrax. Mr. Whipple is survived by a string of memorable and somewhat embarrassing commercials.