UnNews:Mr. T wins prestigious Foolitzer Prize
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Mr. T wins prestigious Foolitzer Prize
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 1, 2016, 15:31:UTC)(
21 January 2007
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Mr. T, best known, perhaps, for his role as Sgt. Bosco (“B. A.”) Baracus in television’s The A Team, recently won Uncyclopedia’s prestigious Foolitzer Prize for his excellent article “How To Write A Essay.”
Born Laurence Tureaud, Mr. T is also known and widely respected for his role as Clubber Lang in Rocky III. A flamboyant muscleman with a Mohawk haircut, he once routinely wore 25 pounds of gold jewelry, saying, “You ain’t a thing if you ain’t got the bling.” He is also popular, especially among young children and adults with low intelligence, because of his signature expression, “I pity the fool,” and he currently stars in a show by this title.
His checkered past makes him an interesting character as well. After being thrown out of college, he tried out for the Green Bay Packers, who rejected him because he was born in Chicago and was thought to harbor latent homosexual feelings for the Chicago Bears. Thereafter, he worked as a bodyguard for Muhammad Ali, Cassius Clay, Michael Jackson, Wacko Jacko, Diana Ross, and the Supremes. Contrary to popular belief, he was not a bodyguard for Robert Kennedy. That was Rosie Greer. “Ain’t nobuddy ever done die on my watch, fool!” Mr. T clarified.
He stole much of his jewelry collection from rowdies when he was a doorman at the swank Watts Fleabag Ho-tel in Los Angeles. He liked to sleep in the chains to remind himself of how his ancestors felt as slaves encumbered, as he was, by approximately $300,000 of bling.
In 1984, he made an inspirational video, “Everybuddy’s Sumbuddy’s Fool,” which ignited a passion “deep in my soul,” he says, “for disadvantaged and illiterate inner city youths.” His concern for their welfare, he declares, is what led him to write the Foolitzer Prize-winning “How To Write A Essay.”
The masterpiece demonstrates a simple, easy-to-follow approach in which topic sentences derived from a thesis containing three related points form a skeleton, as it were, to be fleshed out by the details that make up the body paragraphs. His essay explains why some fools find the comical T-shirts that women wear to be funny. “It had pictures to illustrate the points, but some fool deleted them,” Mr. T says.
He wrote the essay in eye-dialect, included many misspelled words, and used broken English with occasional “smatterings and splattering” of ebonics, he says, “so the bruddahs’ll be able to unnerstan’ me, fool.”
He was recently spotted in Balland by Ted Murphy, where he was seen selling toothbrushes, the bristles of which looked as if they've been made of pubic hair. Scientists, after intensive research, declared that those who have been using this product are subject to Mental Necrotic Syndrome, the symptoms of which are unknown as of today. Following this declaration, insurance companies are fiercely engaged in changing their policies into "something desirable" (we're not really sure as to what the adjective was referred to).