UnNews:Mr. Spock passes away

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Mr. Spock passes away

Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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28 February 2015

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If he could live longer, a lot of Hollywood executives could prosper more.

STARFLEET -- Mr. Spock passed away Friday at his home in Los Angeles. He was 830, measured in Vulcan years. The reported cause of death was by invoking a temporal paradox through repeated time travel. Coroners said this mode of death implies that he may never have been alive at all.

Mr. Spock was hospitalized last week for severe chest pains, but was apparently released several days later. If he got past the Reception Desk by again employing time travel, it is possible that he was never hospitalized to begin with. In January, he tweeted that he wished he had never smoked, a habit he quit several decades ago, though it is not clear why he didn't just go further back in time and hide his butts.

He had a storied career that included stage accolades, several published memoirs, poetry and photography, music records and diverse television roles — none of which will be remembered, thanks to his service in the emotionless caricature of Star Trek — that is, unless he should be resurrected by some deus ex machina, go back in time, and turn down the role in order to live a life where people would actually remember all the other stuff.

The character's inspiring shallowness adapted to everything from Ayn Rand-like self-interest to the declaration that the collective must prevail — this last uttered on his first deathbed, before he was revived by a malfunctioning terraforming torpedo during a confrontation with the Klingons.

Friends and family in Los Angeles expressed hope that, like his previous deaths, his current passing will soon be undone under the most absurd explanation possible in order to lay the preposterous groundwork for yet another sequel.

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