|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
26 September 2009
NORTH HOLLYWOOD, California -- 32 years after investigative reporter Jack McGee snapped his first picture of the being referred to as 'The Incredible Hulk', his newspaper - The National Register - has laid him off.
"Hell, I guess I like him as well as the next guy - however much that is - but we've been shelling out the bucks for him to fly to about every city in America on this Hulk thing of his. Given the economy, we just can't do that any more.", said Mr. Colvin, the editor of the National Register. "I mean, it was getting silly, anyway, with sightings lately being primarily at Nursing Homes across America."
Colvin is referring to the fact that in recent years, the number of Hulk sightings has remained constant, but the locales have been more in areas regarded as retirement places. Florida, for example, saw a 132% rise in Hulk sightings in the last ten years, and places like Sun Valley, Arizona and a variety of other southern states have experienced similar jumps. Sightings in the northern areas have virtually ceased.
McGee has been the figure of some controversy lately, which no doubt aided his paper in it's decision to lay him off. Now in his eighties, he has been barred from no less then 14 nursing homes and assisted living facilities for his pestering of the patients about what they have seen. "Yeah, I get that he wants answers", said Stanley Green, Director of Happy Days ElderCare facility in Little Rock, Arkansas, "But when we're trying to clean up the mess made by that bizarre creature, the last thing we need is someone further disturbing the patients."
The disturbance in that case was when an elderly man, listed as David Bannion, apparently became agitated when another patient changed the channel on a show he was watching. What happened next is unclear, but the channel changing patient was found in the bushes outside a shattered window with Mr. Bannion's cane wrapped around his neck. The attendent on duty had to undergo surgery to have the remote control removed from his rectum. Mr. Bannion himself is feared dead, as he has not been seen since.
Reached for comment, Mr. McGee vowed to continue his search. Then he pushed the lever on his wheelchair and rode off.