UnNews:Mr. Bean almost decapitated; saved by lawnmower riders
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Mr. Bean almost decapitated; saved by lawnmower riders
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, October 1, 2016, 08:53:UTC)(
1 June 2007
LONDON, England, rather: Just after 9:00 AM today Mr. Bean was taken to be beheaded on charges of blasphemy against the Bible. Bean claims the book is utter crap, and never tells the truth. He stated "I down't fwink the Bibew is teliing use the troot," is his typical, Bean-like manner. "It es an insuwt to bean Bri'ish".
However, the Duke of Edinburgh had other ideas. He dragged the poor man and his unfortunate teddy into custody where he was asked a bunch of irrelevant questions. Here is the conversation UnNews UK correspondent, Nigel Badteeth, recorded:
Question guy:Who are you?
Mr. Bean:Bean, Mr. Bean.
Question guy: What do you have against the Bible?
Mr. Bean: Mi hend, yu jus swoor me en.
Question guy: I meant, why do you hate religion?
Mr. Bean: I fink it ees togal crip. I down't beweive in anwy of i'.
Question guy: What about God?
Mr. Bean: That bast'd should get a life.
Question guy: What did you have for lunch yesterday?
Mr. Bean: Beans.
Question guy: Ohh that's the lunch bell! I'll have the cheese and ham and cheese sandwich. You?
Mr. Bean: Beans.
Bean was later scheduled for being beheaded in Leicester Square. He was strapped to a table in the centre of the square surrounded by cheering crowds agreeing with his idea. Threats from the headchopper shut the crowd up. Just before the fatal blow, out of a bank shot a lawnmower being ridden by a large amount of non-huffable kittenss and clinjas, who rescued Bean at the last second and ran over the headchopper. Bean had a 'close shave' as his hair was lightly cut. Bean's current location is still being investigated by the Scotland Yard.