Mothra looking forward to retirement
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, December 2, 2015, 05:08:UTC)(
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"I promise, on whatever it is I have that functions as a heart, not to use my giant wings to blow down all or part of any major city in Japan." a teary compound-eyed Mothra divulged during an interview on her many failed bids to level the bustling cities of Japan, including Tokyo, a sprawling metropolis of twelve million. "It was fun while it lasted, but the time has come for me to move on. I've got kids to think about, you know? Sure, they're still in the egg stage, but soon they'll hatch. Then I'm going to have my giant bug hands full. Plus there's the fairies to worry about..."
In 1961 Mothra adopted some fairies, or shobijin, when their parents fled their home, which was in the process of being blown away by Mothra, and were crushed by a couple of larvae that she was looking after for the weekend. Mothra's neighbors, Fothra and Hothra Smith of Infant Island, expressed regret after the incident but refused to shoulder the blame for their unruly children, saying that "...giant caterpillar boys will be giant caterpillar boys."
"We'll try to keep an eye on her." said Cosmos, one of the fairies. "But we're so small and ineffectual...fingers crossed, anyways. We're hoping that someone else will volunteer to watch her, since our upcoming album and Japanese tour will occupy all of our time."
The release of the single Mosura No Uta, or Mothra's Song, hit Japan like a tiny fairy-originated tornado earlier this year. Recording the follow up album was delayed for several months when the fairies foolishly asked Mothra to join the band after their drummer, Takehiko Fukunaga, quit. Music Studio Toho and the area for several blocks around were flattened when Mothra flew into a rage after discovering that she had a poor sense of rhythm.
"She was heartbroken. Angry too. Plus her being a monster with giant wings and too many limbs for a drummer probably didn't help." said record producer Tomoyuki Tanaka from his hospital bed. "We should've gone with Gigan; that beautiful hook-handed cyber-whatsit sure can play the skins, man."
Representatives of the JGFRMDF, or Japan Giant Foam-Rubber Monster Defence Force, are relieved at the announcement of Mothra's retirement.
"Whew, that's one less monster to shoot ineffectively at, then run away from." said the JGFRMDFs Major Ishiro Honda. "Now there's just Anguirus, Baragon, Battra, Biollante, Dagahra, Deathla, Death Ghidorah, Destoroyah, Dogora, Ebirah, Frankenstein, Gabara, Ganime, Gezora, Giant Condor, Gigan, Godzilla Junio, Godzillasaurus, Gorosaurus, Hedorah, Jet Jaguar, Kamacuras, Kameba, King Caesar, King Ghidorah, King Kong, Kumonga, Leo, Magma, Manda, Mechagodzilla, Mechani-Kong, Megalon, Megaguirus, Minilla, Moguera, Monster X, Oodako, Orga, Rodan, SpaceGodzilla, Titanosaurus, Varan and Zilla left. It's a wonder that there's anything left of Tokyo at all, to be honest. Maybe this whole 'unnecessary nuclear testing' thing was a bad idea. Oh well, we'll just test a few more bombs, to be extra safe. I sure hope that none of them wake up an enormous dinosaur-like creature. That would suck."
"I'm thinking about settling down in Hokkaido, raising the kids, and maybe making milk money as a standup comedian." closed Mothra. "I've already got an opening line, 'I just flew in and...', well, you know the rest."
Major Honda cautions that residents of Hokkaido should "...laugh at her jokes..." if they happen to be in the audience during open mic night at Hokkaido's only comedy club, Happy Enterprises.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|