UnNews:Moss grows on stone
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Moss grows on stone
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 28, 2017, 18:32:UTC)(
27 January 2011
UPSTATE NEW YORK -- Robert Judkins noticed moss beginning to grow on the stone located near the southwest corner of his four-acre ranch and was certainly not pleased. He didn't really care about the stone, but he was certainly displeased about the argument he had with his wife.
"I think we might get a divorce," Judkins said, "I've had it about up to here with her." Robert then mimed with his hand, holding it horizontally stiff and flat about chest-high. Robert and his wife Roberta got into a fight, reportedly, about their blender, which had been slow and malfunctioning when Roberta attempted to make a smoothie. Robert grew impatient, as he was very thirsty, and yelled at her to hurry up, unaware that it wasn't her fault that the technology was acting sub-par.
Meanwhile, moss grew on the stone outside the ranch. It hasn't been moved for over two hundred years, when the colonial ancestors who once owned Judkins' land put it there as part of a blockade to protect the land from Chicasaw raids. When the threat no longer existed, the blockade was dismantled and individual stones were sent to various areas of the property, including where the stone in question currently lies. Moss had, in fact, been growing there for some time, but merely hadn't been noticed by Robert until that day.
"I took a walk after the fight and noticed moss growing on that big stone," he said. "It was pretty cool." Robert has refused to comment on the species or genus of the stone, claiming that he didn't look too closely and kept walking after ten seconds.
Robert said he used to play with his friends on, and around, that stone a lot as a kid. Sometimes they pretended it was a house, or a big cliff. Oftentimes, though, it was just a big stone.