UnNews:Mosque Dome Collapses
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Mosque Dome Collapses
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 24, 2015, 23:24 (UTC)
In an unprecedented development in International Radical Al Qaeda (IRAQ®), the famous Al Askari Mosque in Samarra has suffered severe structural damage and collapsed. Four Men, believed to be chartered surveyors, entered the building shortly before the collapse, and have not been seen since. The head of the department of Religious Affairs and Secretarian Violence, also the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Atkinson, has called for peace and a week of minute silences, broken up with tedious and boring prayers. Analysts are sure that the collapse will trigger violence between sunny and shi-ite weather factions.
edit "Tensions strained like a fat man sitting in a hammock"
Immediately after the collapse, of which the cause has been left to be discussed below [sic], uncannily timed attacks on Sunni mosques, homes and gardening centres occurred, killing thousands in what has been called the worst case of genocide since Tony Blair lead the British to IRAQ. Cars have spontaneously combusted, factories become jammed, computers report error messages and most of all, policemen start using
prisoners pensioners as target practice. Secretarian violence has broken out, with both the Secretary to the Secretary in Charge of Secretarian Affairs and the Secretary in Charge of Secretarian Affairs being killed by a mob of anti-bureaucracy protestors.
edit "Went down faster than a teenager on ecstasy"
Several people have been accused as the assailants. These include:
- George Bush & Tony Blair
- Hercule Poirot
- Bill Gates
However, investigators have pointed the finger at...none other than the most dangerous of all educated persons...Chartered Surveyors! (Cue Spooky music). It is now widely accepted that only people of superior intellect could have performed such a difficult task. As a result, large amounts of surveyors world wide have been attacked or robbed, and the famous painting of Sir Selfridges, the renowed Surveyor, has been stolen from its home in the Bahamas.
It is with great trouble that I humbly submit to you this report, Yours Truthfully, Sir Humphrey William Arthur Davemport QC Esq. KBE, TBE, LBE, Titanium Hip Replacement. Principal Secretary for Foreign Affairs and Culture to the High Ambassador in IRAQ.