UnNews:Mormons gather; nobody seems to care
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Mormons gather; nobody seems to care
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, December 6, 2016, 08:25:UTC)(
2 October 2006
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SALT LAKE CITY, Utah -- The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints concluded its 176th semiannual General Conference yesterday, amid widespread apathy from the general population. Church leaders preached about repentence, family relations, and the evils of abuse, but nearly nobody outside of the Church seemed to notice. Despite the fact that the 14-million strong Utah-based sect is among one of the fastest-growing faiths on Earth, nobody seems to know who the Mormons are and what they believe. This fact led UnNews's Ayatollah Gurkhmeini on a bout of investigative journalism earlier today.
"Mahmons, eh?" passerby William Northam of Boston, Massachusetts said. "Ain't they those guys who's always runnin' around wicked fast wit theyuh givin' out them books? I heayud they don't drink cyoahfee. How's a guy 'upposed to suhvive tha heayuh traffick wifout 'is cyaohfee? Alls I know's that probly livin' like the Amish o' in caves o' sumthin'. Othawise, theyud hafta get theyuh mornin' cyaohfee tuh get by, plus theyuh Dunkin' Donuts, the ones with the jimmies, ya know."
A Southerners point of view was no less idiotic. "'Em Mormons is devils servants," Kenneth Brixton of Nowhere, Arkansas mumbled in the slow-paced dribble of speech-like vomit which characterizes the American South. "Mah minister says theyuz the devils bestest friends, and Ah reckon they ah. They gots horns, cloven hoofs, and mighty red skin, like the Injuns. Ahm jest glad I ain't evuh seen one."