UnNews:Morgan Freeman crashes car; Jessica Tandy in critical condition
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Morgan Freeman crashes car; Jessica Tandy in critical condition
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, September 4, 2015, 00:33:UTC)(
5 August 2008
ATLANTA, Georgia -- Academy Award winning actor Morgan Freeman was seriously injured when he flipped his car late on Sunday night. He was cut from the wreckage of the car and hospitalised, having sustained a broken arm and several other fractures. Sources close to Freeman describe him as being in good spirits in spite of his severe pain. Even more seriously, veteran actress Jessica Tandy, who was a passenger in Freeman's car, suffered severe injuries to the head and spine and is reportedly undergoing emergency brain surgery.
The veteran actor, acclaimed for his roles in The Shawshank Redemption, Se7en and the Dark Knight, was optimistic about his chances, but reportedly "deeply concerned" about the ninety-nine year old Tandy, who he has chauffeured everywhere since her son Dan Ackroyd hired him to do so in 1989. Since then, the two have become close friends in spite of divisions of race and class.
Local police have yet to rule on the causes of the incident, but have ruled out the possibility of the crash being related to drugs or alcohol. However, they are unlikely to delve too deeply into the situation as they are racists who think of Freeman and Tandy as nothing but an "old Jew woman and an old nigger".
Entertainment industry insiders state that the professional relationship between Freeman and Tandy was unusual, if not unique. "When Dan [Ackroyd] approached Morgan [Freeman] about chauffeuring Jessica [Tandy], Morg was a very talented actor who was on the fast track to becoming a big name in Hollywood," said some human cockroach working for E! who uses the first name of the people he talks about to imply that he knows them. "Under these circumstances, accepting $10 per week plus petrol expenses for what amounts to a full time job is highly unusual. You can only presume that Morg took the job due to his immense respect for Jess and her amazing work over her sixty year screen career. That, or Dan used his psychic powers on Morgan, could be either."
Freeman will be appearing in the upcoming movie The Code, and is winner of the World's Most Dignified Man Award from 1990-96, 2001, and 2005 - present. Tandy has been dead since the mid nineties, thereby invalidating most of the above.
- Vincent Yafnaro "Celebrity flips car on highway... wait, Morgan Freeman? That doesn't sound right.". New York Philadelphean, July 5, 2008