UnNews:More snags in Hernandez murder trial
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
More snags in Hernandez murder trial
Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard
Sunday, March 18, 2018, 08:23:UTC)(
29 January 2015
FALL RIVER, Massachusetts -- The start of the Aaron Hernandez trial has again been delayed, as there have been further problems with jurors. One juror arrived in a New England Patriots game-worn jersey and began cheerleading, while another, in a "Don't Snitch" hoodie from Macy's, sent a note to the judge saying he had decided that cooperating with a judge would be just as socially unacceptable as cooperating with police.
The new problems means that the judge will have to reopen the process of voir dire. This phrase, Latin for "I watch, you rant," lets prosecution and defense quibble about jurors before they set to quibbling about evidence and proofs.
Hernandez is charged with the 2013 murder of Odin Lloyd, while both were players in the Boston Bandits of the semi-pro New England Football League. (Semi-pro does not mean the players get semi-paid, but that the landlord and referees get fully paid, sometimes.) Hernandez was leader of that team's offensive squad, while Lloyd played a position referred to as "his bitch." Hernandez went on to play for the Patriots, while Lloyd never attained anything except room temperature.
The issue is the Constitutional guarantee of a trial by a "jury of one's peers," which in the case of Hernandez, would be other African American residents of the Roxbury ghetto who are "turning their lives around" with an imminent rap career (as soon as the crackers at the record label can get past their racism). Along with the trial of alleged Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, it has made pundits ask whether a person can get a "speedy trial" when the crime has already become notorious. Such concerns have already moved the Hernandez trial out of Boston and into this notorious South Coast city where Jodie Foster entertained moviegoers by getting gang-raped on a pool table.
It is not clear why anyone would want to get out of serving on a jury that Judge Susan Gawsh has said will take four months out of their lives. Electronic welfare cards can be renewed inside the courthouse, and given that jurors will have all they can eat at the courthouse cafeteria, it should free up those EBT funds for lap dances or resale. If activists again shut down the Expressway during rush hour, they would surely give jurors a pass. If there is any motive not to do one's public duty, it may come from the Jury Questionnaire, which asks a variety of embarrassing questions about one's drug use and whether one has tattoos; and from the requirement that jurors give up Twitter for the duration of the trial. Finding a citizen of Fall River who does not have frequent unpleasant encounters with police has required summoning hundreds of candidates. On the question about employment, none of the prospective jurors has admitted to a career more demanding than as a returning contestant on Glenn Beck's "Moron Trivia" segment on talk radio in which to show he does not know what city is the U.S. capital.
One female candidate arrived wearing a T-shirt declaring, "Black Lives Matter!" However, when advised that the alleged murderer was not a racist white cop but a fellow Homie, she stripped off her shirt, and the shocking scene disrupted proceedings for another full hour.
- Michelle R. Smith "Jury Issues Delay Opening Statements in Hernandez Trial". Associated Press, January 29, 2015
- Jon Root "Could you be an Aaron Hernandez juror? Answer these questions". Storify, January 13, 2015