UnNews:More monkey business at Microsoft

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4 August 2006

Monkey gives cat cpr

Microsoft's EMM (Emergency Medical Monkey) program teaches monkeys CPR and other life-saving skills.

REDMOND, Washington -- Bill Gates and his wife Melissa have announced the opening of the "Monkeys For Peace" school today amidst cheers from the press and sterno guzzling from nearby stew bums. After astounding the world of computing with the revelation that trained monkeys had in fact developed WindowsXP, the Gates Foundation has promised to train thousands of monkeys in the skills of emergency medicine, in order to free up combatants who would otherwise be tending to the wounds of a fallen comrade.

"I agree with Don (Rumsfeld)," said Gates, "that the thing that's needed with all of these conflicts is, they need to be scaled up as quickly as possible, so we can get them overwith. We're starting with an Emergency Medical Monkey (EMM) program, just to get the soldiers some help in the field quickly. Within a year, we expect to be turning out graduates with Paramedic degrees."

Stay at home mom and booze hound Melissa Gates added, "We also want to expand to teach Certified Nursing Monkeys (CNM), English professors, and bar tenders, but nothing with food; definitely no food handling."

It is hoped by the Pentagon that future wars can be fought with monkeys. "I mean, look at the pounding we're getting in the press, all these poor boys getting killed over in Iraq. Just imagine if it were mostly monkeys over there, tangling with the insurgents. Who'd care about dead monkeys? Problem, solved," said General Buckminster Fuller of the Pentagon.

The Bush administration is said to be looking into funding such undertakings, "for the good of our nation". Dick Cheney was overheard by an anoymous source to have said, "My little outfit (Halliburton, a private company which provided "security" in Iraq) could see a tidy profit. We wouldn't have to pay those poor, desperate bastards to go over there and risk their lives anymore. Oh, and more money for me."

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