UnNews:More Sockpuppets Than Ever Addicted to Crack
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More Sockpuppets Than Ever Addicted to Crack
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, November 26, 2015, 09:11:UTC)(
4 April 2006
UnNews HQ, Parts Unknown - Scientists have today published the results of a shocking scientific investigation into Uncyclopedia's underground sockpuppet community. The report, published in New Scientist, makes for disturbing reading, confirming the existence of sockpuppet "gangs". It also reports that record numbers of sockpuppets have become addicted to crack, and other wiki-altering substances.
The investigation was prompted by reports from various members of the Uncyclopedia community of various shady-looking sockpuppets hanging around street corners, reported sockpuppet "gangs" roaming around the communtiy, and greatly evelated levels of vandalism and blanking. This behaviour has been cause for concern for many resident Uncyclopedians for a while, as many feel intimidated by the actions of these rogue sockpuppet gangs. Drugs were suspected to be a part of the cause of this for a while, and now it seems that that suspicion has been confirmed.
This is a drastic change from the idyllic days of yore, where an uncyclopedian could wander through the community, happy and carefree, creating and editing articles without fear of retribution or vandalism or personal harm. A far cry from these dark times, where users are even afraid to start articles, for fear of having them replaced with hurtful messages about the quality of their writing, their sexual preference, or derogatory comments about their moms. One Uncyclopedian we interviewed had this to say -
“It's not like it used to be back in the good old days. There's always the fear there, that my articles might be vandalised, even in my own userpage. It's just wrong, something needs to be done.”
The report goes on to hypothesise reasons as to what has brought about this unprecedented situation, and what has forced so many sockpuppets to turn to using crack. There are several possibilities, but everyone agrees that the most likely one is sexual inadequacy. The sockpuppets' e-penises are all very small, and so they feel they have to prove to the world how powerful they think they are. The only way they know how to do this is to do "what all the other sockpuppets are doing", and take crack. Unfortunately, when the effects of the crack combine with their heightened feelings of inferiority to better sockpuppets, this is transferred into rage, and the sockpuppets rampage through the wiki, vandalising everything in sight.
The researchers did not outline any ideas for combating this crack problem, mostly because by that point in the investigation they were all whacked on it themselves. However, some in the community believe that if appeals are made to the sockpuppet gangs by the people they respect, they will listen to reason and make an effort to become good uncyclopedians.
Both the cast of Star Trek and several children's TV characters are said to be considering putting out special public service UnNews Audio broadcast, appealing againt the use of crack, especially in conjunction with wikis.