UnNews:Mordor holds rare Middle-Earth summit

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20 February 2007

Alan Rabinowitz - The Mouth of Sauron

The Mouth of Sauron, a Black Númenórean, "entered the service of the Dark Tower when it first rose again."

Barad-Dûr, Mordor - The Mouth of Sauron says he will be returning soon to the West to support Mordor-Gondor peace talks. He whose "name is remembered in no tale" was speaking after his first joint meeting with Gondor and the forces of evil in Osgilliath. The Mouth reported no tangible progress at the rare summit, except to say that the leaders had agreed to meet again soon.

Steward of Gondor Denethor, son of Ecthelion has recently agreed a power-sharing deal with the barbaric Ranger of the North which involves putting the heir of Isildur's head on a pike. The unilateral deal earlier this month has not yet been approved by Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and there are few signs he will approve of it. In a recent press conference, the king-in-exile repeated his policy of "Renewed be the blade that was broken/The crownless again shall be king."

The Dark Lord Sauron also spoke in public for the first time since the Second Age. Speaking by Palantir to Isengard and Minas Tirith, he called on the free peoples of Middle-Earth to unite under his banner and urged his followers to seek the Ring. "The lies of the Elves are corrupting the world of men. Gondor, Rohan, and the other realms of the West must unite under Sauron to rid the world of evil. The Southrons and Easterlings seem to be doing great!"

Sauron also attacked the halflings for state-sponsored terrorism. "The hobbits of the Shire are in violation of international law by not only harboring known terrorist Frodo Baggins, but also allowing him to possess stolen weapons of mass destruction. The Shire-folk have 24 hours to unilaterally disarm or we will deploy the Riders there to disarm them."

The hobbits were unavailable for comment, being too busy drinking beer, smoking pipe-weed, and singing karaoke songs penned by acclaimed singer-songwriter Bilbo Baggins at the Green Dragon for us to contact them.

The Witch-King, however, was available. "It's great that talks are beginning," he said in his whispery voice, "I tried the same thing with the Dark Numenoreans in Angmar, and it worked splendidly." When asked about aforementioned talks, Dark Rangers muttered something about "swift death", then attempted to climb a brick wall up a building. Two were hospitalized with broken bones.


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