UnNews:Moose voices its displeasure
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Moose voices its displeasure
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, February 12, 2016, 10:26:UTC)(
23 August 2008
Pine beetle infested forest, Canada The unmistakable low tones of a moose were heard to reverberate throughout the canadian shield today as various economic factors have led to a steady decline in just about everything imaginable. Local tribespeople huddled close around the burning beerkeg shivering in fear and sympathy for the silliest looking creature on the planet - although no person of sense would dare suggest such a thing to a moose at point blank.
The moose's intuitive ability to exhibit grace under pressure has been tested as of late. Being such a social outcast has traditionally attracted the rebellious daughters of rich imperialists to them, bringing meaning to their otherwise hollow existence - but times have become slimmer. A moose cannot subsist on nature photographers, insane monty python fans and flings with tourists alone. The head of the global environmental pyramid scheme, Mr. Shadow cackled as lightning shot from his fingertips "A moose represents the very top of the food chain. Hanging the head of a moose in your abode as a prize trophy is known to frighten the willies out of any courtesans. We stopped hunting individual moose in 1349 BC. We just gave up. What's the point? They're big, hard to pluralize and otherwise silly."
Because of their elite and goth status, when a moose complains audibly, all Canadians listen. They have to. It's loud. And scary. Scarier than the sudden outbreak of nuclear war. It means that a moose could come rampaging out of the forest at any moment, claiming the right of kings and tipping over your beer. Self-appointed Moosologist Eric slurred between long pulls on his beer: "Moose wrangling, a suicidal endeavor undertaken by various Canadian statistics, is the talk of madness. Sheer madness. We must respect the moose. And it has spoken. Unless we act now to mobilize the bush twins to northern Ontario, we will suffer a moosey fate."
Already known to have had previous dealings with a moose or two, the bush twins smiled coyly and asked daddy if they could borrow Airforce One for a couple of mounths.