UnNews:Moose forced to vote for Palin
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Moose forced to vote for Palin
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, January 24, 2017, 19:22:UTC)(
24 October 2008
- I am writing to express one more reason it is important that everyone vote for the Obama-Biden ticket this winter. Wait, is the election in the winter? Up here, the seasons are winter, winter, winter, and not-quite-as-winter.
- You see, I am a moose. As moose go, I am pretty normal. I spend most of my time eating tall grasses and willow bushes, asking other moose how my antlers look, and posing a danger to traffic.
- Just several days ago, I had a traumatic experience. I was innocently grazing on tall grasses when a white woman leapt from the trees with a rifle in her hand and took aim at me. That's when she saw the Barack Obama sticker on my large moose posterior.
- The woman flew into a rage and tackled me to the ground. Then, over the next ten minutes, she gently and carefully scratched the message "SARAH WAS HERE" into my oversized moose flank with a machete. It was painful. Kind of painful. The worst part was, the damn cracker leaked amniotic fluid all over me the entire time. It smelled like musk and extra chromosomes.
- Then she yelled "You're a Palin voter now!" frog-marched me to the nearest polls 500 miles away, forced me to vote for Palin, and then disappeared into the woods. I wouldn't bother looking for her.
- To prove that this all happened and wasn't invented in my big moose brain, I am enclosing a picture of myself. I assure you that this image is not altered in any way. Also, my moose friends tell me that from where they're standing, the lettering looks backwards. I can only assume that this bespectacled white woman had some rare form of dyslexia.
- Yours in Christ,
- Joe the Moose
- Yukon-Koyukuk, Alaska
- Staff. "Sarah Palin nearly rapes a moose during Canadian sojourn". CNN, October 24, 2008