UnNews:Montecito Fire In California Reveals Mass Grave
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
15 November 2008
MONTECITO, CA (UP) In the wake of the Montecito blaze, known as the "Tea Fire", investigators have uncovered the scattered skeletal remains of potentially hundreds of human beings. The grisly discovery was made Saturday morning in a relatively small section of unincorporated Santa Barbara County that abuts the wealthy enclave of Montecito.
"Due to the unique features and the terrain out here it's highly unlikely that anyone outside this community had access to this area. Despite our earlier conclusions as to the origin of the "tea fire", it appears this area is the starting point" said Montecito Fire Chief Kevin Wallace.
Due to the magnitude of the investigation, the Los Angeles County Major Crimes unit has taken a lead role in finding out what happened to the multitude of victims now represented by piles of charred bones and bone fragments. "There is no evidence that this was an illegal dumping of cremated remains, in fact we can clearly see human bite marks on some of the bones" said an investigator who could only speak under the condition of anonymity as he didn't have clearance to issue any statements.
The town of Montecito has become a personal enclave for numerous superstars who live in posh surroundings reserved only for the most wealthy and elite. Local celebrities with homes in the area include Rob Lowe, Oprah Winfrey, Michael Douglas and actor Christopher Lloyd. "I'm finding it difficult to feel safe anymore" said local resident Tia Vandora. "How can I relax during my aromatherapy session when all I'm thinking about is someone out there gnawing on the flesh and bones of human beings?"