UnNews:Monster solar storm, 'Global Katrina,' could steal babies, kick puppies
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Monster solar storm, 'Global Katrina,' could steal babies, kick puppies
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, September 5, 2015, 16:22:UTC)(
21 February 2011
LONDON, England -- Gone are the days when humanity could idly sit by with a can of aerosol and watch as powers beyond their control forced them to press down on the release button, thereby causing Global Warming. Such minor threats to the environment had never garnered any more attention than a couple documentaries on the subject. The natural world needed a disaster to end all disasters. And according to the World Hysteria Foundation of Meteorologists, that very disaster is on its way.
Kirk Truewater of the Foundation released a statement on the imminent super-storm, claiming that the storm "is sentient, and can sense fear from light years away." He also warned that this new 'Global Katrina', as it has been dubbed, will "snatch up your newborns in a sick 'Plagues of Egypt' kind of way, except there's only one, and no amount of blood on your door will save you! Also no crappy movie will be made about it because everyone will be DEAD!" He continued with a lengthy list of possible effects the super storm could have on Earth, including widespread months-long power outages, extinction of cellphone service, massive rabies epidemics, shrinking of the testicles in men and breasts in women, and that the storm could actually manifest itself in your living room and kick your puppy.
The disastrous super-storm could theoretically be caused by "a massive intake of negative proto-ions in a sinusoidal power coil along the quantum hyperpoint of the sun" according to cryptometeorologist Simon Yurvik, who explained his research at the same press release. "This can drastically affect the normal solar flare patterns on its surface and allow for otherworldly manifestations in the form of a giant glowing boot, which will kick your puppies and snatch your babies." He ended the conference with a grim warning: "It is a sad truth that we have to accept. Move aside, 2012; Global Katrina is on her way."
This super-storm will follow in the path of many other, less known super-storms dating back to the 1850s, when the first observed solar flare was documented as being "God's divine wrath." Citizens of England were ordered to repent their sins, for time was coming to an end. All the way to the most recent super-storm, the "Beta Golem" storm of 1989, where four super-tornadoes collided and formed a giant city-crushing wind-golem that could think and adapt to constant military onslaught.
Perhaps this super-storm won't be a giant flop like January's California super storm that was cancelled by scientists due to a lack of interest, and several copyright infringement lawsuits from the Vatican for their blatant copy and paste of the tale of Noah's Ark.
- David Derbyshire "Biggest ever solar storm could cause power cuts which last for MONTHS". Daily Mail, February 21, 2011
- Liz Goodwin "Scientists warn California could be struck by winter ‘superstorm’". Yahoo, January 17, 2011