UnNews:Monster pig shot in Alabama
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
28 May 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
LOST CREEK PLANTATION, ALABAMA - Eleven year old Jamison Stone shot a really big pig. I mean, it's enormous. You really should see the size of this thing. The gargantuan porker weighed 1,051 lbs. and was 10 feet, 7 inches from rear hoof to snout, which is really damn big for a pig.
"I couldn't believe it," Jamison said after he first saw it. "It was the size of a cow. It was huge. I probably won't ever kill anything else that big". He then exclaimed that it had a really nice arse, that it reminded him of his sister, and he couldn't wait to get it home and have sex with it. Trees had to be cut down and a backhoe brought in to bring Jamison's prize out of the woods, which just goes to show exactly how huge this pig was. "Man, I really would like to have sex with that pig." said the back hoe driver as he cleared the path for the enormous piece of arse. "I just hope I can get a chance with it before the reverend Nelson sees it, he's just insatiable with these here wild animals"
"Yea buddy, I'm gonna put 700 pounds of sausage into that thing, if ya know what I mean!" said his daddy.
Wildlife specialist Dr. Jim Armstrong, commenting on the size of the pig, said "That's a big pig". Jerry Cunningham, an Oxford taxidermist, said it was, "[the] Biggest thing I'd ever seen".
Cunningham was called on to handle the mounting of the animal. He said they told him it was a giant, and, after laying eyes on the animal, he says they weren't exaggerating.
“Biggest thing I'd ever seen,” he said. “… It's huge.”
Stone had to chase the enormous hog for three hours through hilly woods, shooting the massive beast eight times before finally finishing it off with a point-blank shot. He said he was strengthened in his resolve to "get the pig" by "jealousy" but refused further commment.
The most unanticipated part of the incident came from an unexpected source. Jamison's girlfriend Monica said she only came along because she was bored. She said it had been a while and she was hungry for pig, claiming she had never eaten one that was "so big," all the other ones having been "so tiny." She started to eat the pig as it lay on the ground and chose to start below the navel. The pig seemed to be enjoying himself "immensly." "The big guy actually got very excited and, well, you know, splashed all over my face and dress," Ms. Lewinsky said. "I'm going to save the dress. You never know when it will come in handy -- as evidence -- like before," she said. She said she also tried to feed the pig a wet cigar but, "unlike the last time," this pig "refused" to put it in his mouth. The pig "tasted porky," she said but was "pretty much the same" as the other pig she had eaten. Asked why she was dating someone so young, 30 something year-old Ms. Lewinsky said while coughing up a hairball and reapplying her lipstick, "I'm very particular! I prefer to date males, females, or animals, who could not read in the '90's," and "Lil Jamie fits the bill."
According to biologists, pigs as large this one are not the norm. Free-roaming feral swine grow to modest sizes and are common like the one Lewinsky previously ate.