UnNews:Monotony can cure insomnia
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Monotony can cure insomnia
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, August 17, 2017, 17:56:UTC)(
10 October 2006
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A new scientific study has shown that monotony, in regulated doses, can cure insomnia. Combined with the teaching of an English lesson, results can be more effective. Just an hour to four hours of talking to an insomniac in a bed will cause them to lull off to sleep. In cases of extreme insomnia, removing all possible motivations and feeding in English lessons works very effectively.
At eight o'clock, a thousand people ranging from not insomniac at all to very insomniac, from those who hated English lessons (plentiful) to those who loved it (two), were placed into a room, linked up to REM-monitoring machines, and fed information through a man known only as Bartholemew. As Bartholemew spoke, a lot of the people felt tired. After about ten minutes, the fifty people without any form of insomnia started to drift off to sleep. In twenty minutes, those with light insomnia started drifting off to sleep.
It took the non-insomniacs only 25 minutes to fully drift off to sleep, by which several more people had started drifting off. In 55 minutes, half the audience were drifting off to sleep, including one of the English-lovers, and those with light insomnia were almost fully asleep. After two-and-a-half hours, only the extreme insomniacs and the remaining English-lover were awake. Further examination showed that the English-lover was actually hypnotised, so Bartholomew was instructed to make the English-lover sleep. After an excruciating three hours, the extreme insomniacs finally drifted off to sleep, and an even more excruciating hour later, they finally fell fast asleep.
It has recently been discovered that Reverend Zim ulator has been using this to heal the insomniacs that come to him.
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