UnNews:Monkey replaces George W. Bush as president; Americans notice improvement
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Monkey replaces George W. Bush as president; Americans notice improvement
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 3, 2015, 13:06:UTC)(
2 November 2007
Washington D.C - In a startling turn of events, a chimpanzee escaped from a local zoo has replaced George W. Bush for the office of President of the United States of America. Not surprisingly, nobody is complaining about the loss of our
Last Wednesday, it was reported that a chimpanzee named Bobo had escaped from a Delaware zoo. Zoo caretakers searched all over the state, but could not locate him. "This doesn't make sense. He's not a fast monkey," one zoo employee stated. However, on Friday of that week, Delaware police reported that Bobo had apparently hijacked a Mercedes, and was currently joyriding throughout the state. "Just our luck that evolution had to give him thumbs," said one officer.
On Saturday, a worker at a Washington D.C. toll booth reported that a "short, hairy little fellow" had driven through his booth. Zoo caretakers immediately recognized the mysterious driver as Bobo. However, by the time the police had organized the squad cars and were ready to give chase, Bobo had already made it to the White House. Once there, he jumped out of the car, ran up the lawn, and punched our
beloved High Chief in the balls. He then put on Bush's suit and ran into the White House. The President's body guards failed to notice that Bobo was not Bush, as Bush unfortunately looks very similar to a chimpanzee. They then took Bobo to the Oval Office and got him to work.
Since Bobo replaced President Bush, the world has seen many changes. For example, Bobo knew that the wildfires in the western United States could be put out simply by throwing monkey shit at them. The firefighters tried this, and it worked amazingly well, putting out the fires in less than two days. Bobo also knew that the Iraq War could be stopped with an amazingly simple solution: Get the Canadians and Mexicans to fight it for us. Within five days of the new troop transport, the terrorists were dead and the war was ended.
As for Bush, his body was never found. In fact, nobody really cared enough to look for it.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|