UnNews:Monkey has hard time remembering 9/11
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Monkey has hard time remembering 9/11
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, December 6, 2016, 13:47:UTC)(
11 September 2006
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YERKES PRIMATE INSTITUTE, Maryland -- Though silent moments of prayer and candlelight vigils are bringing people out in droves today to mark the fifth anniversary of the terrorist attacks on New York's World Trade Center, there's at least one person you won't see at any of them.
Rimbo, a chimpanzee at the Yerkes Primate Institute, is not planning to attend any of the memorials for the people killed on September 11, 2001, because he just doesn't seem to recall anything of note happening that day.
"Honestly, it just doesn't ring a bell," commented Rimbo, who has been communicating with humans since he learned American Sign Language as a youngster. "I understand that it has since become very important to the people around me, but I really just don't have a personal recollection of anything happening on that date."
Rimbo explained that being a chimp, and not knowing anyone personally involved in the terrorist attacks, he doesn't have much of an emotional connection with the historic events, doesn't remember anything about them, and doesn't feel compelled to join in any memorials.
"Oh, sure, I guess I feel bad for all the people that got killed. I mean, of course, that sucks," he commented. "But I mean, whatever, you know? Tragedies happen all the time. I have my own life to live."
However, Michelle Corbsen, a keeper and trainer at the Institute, thinks Rimbo is being disingenuous. "I think Rimbo's just being an asshole. Anybody, including a chimp, who doesn't feel some connection with 9/11, and especially anybody who would rather just "forget" about it, is just being a cold-hearted fuck."
Corbsen, herself, is planning to attend a candlelight vigil this evening in the city park.
"She doesn't know anybody who was directly affected by the attacks, either," countered Rimbo. "So who's sicker? Somebody who just doesn't remember anything about it, or somebody who gets some kind of vicarious, morbid thrill out of wallowing in the suffering of people she doesn't even know?"
Corbsen noted that she might be so busy with the vigil tonight that Rimbo might just find himself a few bananas short, which might help him remember what a horrible thing 9/11 really was.
It also should be mentioned that Rimbo is four years old, and thus was not alive at the time of the attack.