UnNews:Mom loses custody of obese son; "Porky" removed from parent's home

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1 March 2007

Obeseboy

Connor {"Porky") McCreaddie, age 8, weighs in at 218 pounds!

WALLSEND, NORTH TYNESIDE, ENGLAND (300 MILES NORTH OF LONDON, FOR THE GEOGRAPHICALLY CHALLENGED)- Social service officials removed Connor (“Porky”) McCreaddie from his parent’s home after his mother, Nicola McKeown, lost custody of her eight-year-old son, who weighs 218 pounds and could die by the age of thirty.

“What can I say?” McKeown asked Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies. “The little bastard likes to eat.”

The single mother has put a chain and padlock around the refrigerator and had a handyman install locks on the kitchen cabinets. However, after school, while she was at work, the boy took the hinges off the cabinet doors, and, when McKeown returned home, she found “quite a mess,” she said. “It looked as if a herd of hogs had gorged themselves at my kitchen table--and at my expense.”

ROD

Nicola McKeown, who looks amazingly like the American pig, Rosie O'Donnell

McKeown allowed a news crew to follow her son around for a week, filming his typical routine. For breakfast each day, the youth had some version of the following courses: fourteen griddlecakes, swimming in butter and treacle; a dozen fried eggs; a loaf of bread, toasted, with butter and jam; a side of undercooked bacon; seven bowls of cereal; and six glasses of milk. Breakfast was followed with a mid-morning snack of pie alamode and four to six more glasses of milk. The boy prefers a “light lunch,” his mother said, “typically something like three foot-long submarine sandwiches, a quart of vegetable soup, and a sixteen-ounce bag of potato crisps.” Next comes tea: a pot of the beverage is accompanied by a platter of pastries, four dozen cookies, and three of four servings of bread pudding topped with ice cream and treacle. Dinner entails eight to ten courses of salads, soups, veal, beef, pork, fish, fowl, vegetables, fruits, and dessert in as many servings each. Finally, McCreaddie consumes a roast suckling pig, complete with apple, and another four to five glasses of milk for a his bedtime snack.

“He’s well cared for,” McKeown contended. Social services said, “Perhaps too well cared for.”

The social services agency is eager to add obesity to its ever-growing list of “child abuse” behaviors so that it can become more and more intrusive in the lives of British families, McKeown charged. “It used to be only physical and sexual abuse, but now the bastards have invented ‘verbal abuse’ and have added ‘obesity.’ My God, the boy has a medical problem. How is that ‘abusive’? I’ve chained me cabinets and fridge. The little son of a bitch likes to eat. What’s a poor single mum to do? I whack his arse, and he laughs in me face!”

Social service officials said that McCreaddie bore “quite a number of bruises on his massive bottom,” a further indication that he is being abused by his 99-pound mother.

McKeown’s “forced feeding” of her son has endangered McCreaddie’s life, doctors who’ve examined the boy say. “The lad’s veins show evidence of multiple puncture wounds, which could have been caused by intravenous injections. It’s my opinion that he’s being force-fed intravenously.”

McKeown denies the physician’s allegations. “That’s absurd! The quack’s a nutter. Why the hell would I fatten me boy up like a hog?”

“I’ll tell you why the old bitch is fattening up Porky,” McKeown’s nosy neighbor Rosa Phelps said. “She’s wanting a fat carcass to carve up for her Christmas dinner, that’s why. She’s a cannibal what raises her children--she’s have eight prior to Porky--for her victuals. She's fond of pig meat, too, and just look what she names her boy--Porky!”

“The old biddy’s nuttier than the social service freaks,” McKewon replied upon hearing Phelps’ allegations. "And my son's name is Connor, not Porky. 'Porky's' something his schoolmates call him."

The social service’s removal of McCreaddie from McKeown’s care, custody, and domicile is being appealed. “I’ll have me boy back before Yuletide,” the mother predicts.

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