UnNews:Mom's reckless driving endangers tot
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Mom's reckless driving endangers tot
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 3, 2015, 03:50:UTC)(
4 June 2012
PHOENIX, AZ – Following the example set by presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, who transported his family's dog in a cage atop his car during a vacation trip to Canada, 19-year-old Catalina Clauser strapped her infant son's car seat—with her five-week-old baby in the seat—on top of her automobile. She wasn't going far, she said. “I live in Phoenix, and I was driving to Las Vegas for a wild weekend of drinking, gambling, recreational drug use, and sex.”
Unlike Romney (as far as Unnews reporter Lotta Lies has been able to determine), Clauser had been smoking marijuana. In fact, she was so high on the gateway drug that she didn't realize that, having done a poor job of fastening the baby's car seat to the top of her vehicle, she “lost her load” at an intersection a few blocks from her house.
Neighbor Leilani Gerlach discovered the baby on the roadway, still strapped to his car seat. “The seat was lying on its side,” Gerlach reported, “and the baby was screaming its head off.”
“Fortunately, it wasn't hurt,” paramedic Jackie Jackson, who responded to the neighbors' emergency telephone call, said, “although the little tyke was badly shaken.”
Earlier in the day, Clasuer's boyfriend, who had been drinking and smoking marijuana with her, was arrested on driving while intoxicated and child endangerment charges when he made a beer run to a local convenience store with the boy in the back seat of his automobile.
Although the baby is now in Child Protective Services' custody, police have not determined whether to seek an arrest warrant against Clauser. “It would be embarrassing to arrest her for doing something that a presidential candidate did to his mutt,” police spokesman Jeremiah Manning said.
Clauser claims to have suffered “emotional trauma” as the result of the incident and, reportedly, she has hired
ambulance chaser attorney Gloria Allred to represent her in a lawsuit against Romney. “He acted irresponsibly in suggesting, by example, that it is safe and legal to transport passengers atop one's vehicle when, obviously, it is not.”
Romney's campaign managers have had “no comment” concerning the Clauser baby's unfortunate incident.