UnNews:Mistrial declared for murder case; "It was Opposite Day"
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Mistrial declared for murder case; "It was Opposite Day"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, October 28, 2016, 14:18:UTC)(
25 October 2007
HOUSTON, Texas – There was public outrage earlier this week when Matthew Elliot, the man who was charged with and pled guilty to the murder of 20 year old woman Janine Balding, was acquitted on the grounds of a mistrial. The decision was made after Elliot made claims that when he pled guilty it was “Opposite Day”, the date on which everything that is said has the opposite of its true meaning, and that as such his words had been misinterpreted and he was actually pleading not guilty. These claims have been met with public criticism as they were made several days after the plea was originally given, and only after information leaked that the case against Elliot had been shaky.
This news led to calls for Opposite Day to be removed from the calendar, or at least set on a fixed date, preventing people from calling it on whatever day they choose. Henry Opposite, great-great-grandson of William Reginald Opposite (whom the day was created in honour of) and head of the Opposite Day Foundation, argued on behalf of the organization. “Opposite Day is a very important part of American society, equal to, and perhaps even greater than, other days of note such as Martin Luther King Day or Christmas, and to get rid of it would be an insult to our forefathers. And as for setting it on a particular day, do you people realize the difficulties involved in that? To call a certain day Opposite Day would by its very nature make it not Opposite Day. But this would mean that it was Opposite Day in the first place which would again make it not Opposite Day and, well, you see what I mean.”
The acquittal of Elliot has caused many to raise questions about the effectiveness of America’s legal system, and whether the laws regarding the barring of retrial to protect against double jeopardy are in need of reform. The judge who originally made the decision on the case after receiving considerable public ridicule has recently attempted to go back on his previous verdict by claiming that when it was made it was also Opposite Day. However, this statement has received little attention, as the case was officially recorded as a mistrial in the evening, and everyone knows that there is no such thing as Opposite Night. That would be just silly.
- NEWS.com.au "Missing staple gets Janine Balding killers appeal". AAP and The Daily Telegraph, July 9, 2007