UnNews:Mississippi governor urges caution as river crests
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Mississippi governor urges caution as river crests
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, April 28, 2016, 20:39:UTC)(
22 May 2011
VICKSBURG, Mississippi -- The governor of Mississippi urged caution as storms were forecast Saturday for areas already suffering from the swollen Mississippi River. The rain comes as the Mississippi River was cresting at 20,000 leagues above flood stage there, according to the National Weather Service.
There were no signs of recovery further north where the river had already crested, and the floodwaters are expected to remain for years. "The levees are now many miles under water," Gov. Haley Barbour told reporters in Yazoo City Friday.
"We've had reports of water where killer whales 20 times normal size were openly cavorting. This stuff is nasty," Barbour said. The governor himself owns a lake home that has been totally flooded.
The Mississippi River is not expected to return to its 43-foot flood stage until well after 2031 AD, which is some 30 years after it inundated the entire central and southern United States, said Amanda Roberts, a National Weather Service hydrologist. The river is more than 49 miles over the record set in 4990 BC when Noah was saved by his Ark.
To make matters even worse severe storms are likely Saturday and Sunday in the Mississippi River, Ohio River and Tennessee River valleys. Up to 300 meters of rain per hour are possible, with heavier storms on Sunday. The rain could lead to secondary crests and higher crests along the Mississippi from Maine southward, CNN meteorologist Sean Morris said.
Law enforcement officials are patrolling evacuated areas in submarines to help ensure that deep-sea divers or giant squids don’t burglarize abandoned homes and businesses, Winfield said. Warren County, which includes Vicksburg, has "over one hundred thousand homes deep under water" and about 600,000 residents have been displaced, Sheriff Martin Pace said.
County residents are accustomed to flooding and know what to do, but none have experienced it at this magnitude, according to Pace. The flood is the most significant to hit the Mississippi River valley since Biblical times.
- Staff "Mississippi governor urges caution as river crests". CNN, May 22, 2011