UnNews:Mississippi Bans Dark Matter

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13 June 2012

Darkmatter
Dark Matter as pictured by the God fearin' folks down South.

Jackson, Mississippi --

The Mississippi State Supreme Court has voted 7-0 to outlaw the existence of dark matter within state borders. State Representitive Chip Beef was quoted as saying "We don't want this here Dark Matter comin' down to the great state of Mississippi and stirin' up trouble. This here is just another example of them liberal yankees tryin' to bring in an unwanted element to destroy the Southern Way of life." When advised that dark matter is a type of matter hypothesized to account for a large part of the mass in the universe inferred by its gravitational effects on visible matter, Rep. Beef replied, "Y'all just better keep this here Darkie Matter the hell away from Mississippi or there's gonna be big trouble."

Senator Thad "Tater Goober Skeeter Bobby Jo Shingles" Cochran (R-Miss) was quoted after the vote as saying "Praise the Lord. My meemaw just about died after those Black Holes migrated in and opened up that Amos and Andy's Fried Chicken Shack down in Cooter County. This woulda killed her for sure. This "Negro Matter" don't got no right here in Dixie, I tell you what." Local bar owner and cross burner Colton "Dumb Fuck" Peevie, who camped out for 18 days on the steps of the state capital in protest against Dark Matter, was overjoyed by the vote. "Oh pappy be praised with a string bean up my pee-hole! Now I can go home and have sex with the young'uns. Shit, I been clean outta Red Man chew for pert near a day and a half sittin on them steps, and all I had to eat the last 2 days was a fruit roll up and a bottle of cat pee. And I just know it was the work of the Lord cause I prayed on it REAL hard like. Dark Matter can go eat a dog turd! YEEEEEHAW!" Mr. Peevie is also a member of the Jackson Chamber of Commerce, the local PTA and the American Nazi party.

A spokesman from the astrophysical journal "The Astrophysical Journal" commented to this reporter "What the hell is wrong with these people?" President Obama could not be reached for comment as he is currently undetectable by means other than gravitational lensing or measuring velocity dispersions of elliptical galaxies. The Vice-President was also unable to be reached as apparently he died 3 months ago. The cause of death is unknown, however no investigation is planned.

edit Sources

  • Some Dude with a Bunch of Letters After His Name, Big Deal. "[Wikipedia "Some Crap about Dark Matter"]". Huh?, Like, I just read it today
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