UnNews:Missing Link found, creationists commit suicide
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Missing Link found, creationists commit suicide
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, October 13, 2015, 08:24:UTC)(
20 May 2009
FRANKFURT, Germany -- Palaeontologists (a sort of scientist) have unveiled unto the world (a sort of place) what was described as the "scientific equivalent of the Holy Grail (a sort of cup)": the missing fossil (a sort of bone) that links the human (a sort of primate) species to our primate (a sort of animal) ancestors (a sort of concept worshipped by asians). The one that the creationists said we'd never find. Well suck on this, creationists (a sort of fail)! It's Darwinius masillae!!!
Blank looks fell upon the press room (a sort of room) as Dr Jens Franzen uttered those last two words. "It's a sort of name," the man clarified.
This news came as a heavy blow (a sort of strike, usually resulting in D6 damage) to creationists, who have always denied evolution (a sort of truth) by pointing out the lack of a link (a sort of dude who rescues princesses) between humans and apes. Even though evolutionists already saw several things wrong with this argument to begin with, it was the German fossil that put the final nail in their coffin (a sort of box you put dead people in).
Literally. Soon after receiving this news (a sort of useless information), the International Society of Creationists became horribly disillusioned, fell into depression, got drunk, stoned, high, laid, and then offed themselves with cyanide (a sort of really tasty drink) and a bullet (a sort of projectile, usually resulting in 5D6 damage) to their cranium ( a sort of a piece of a skull) for good measure, before being buried in soft peat for three months and exhumed after the local farmer (a sort of lower class) complained.
Dr. Jørn Hurum, the owner of the incredible fossil, donated the specimen's third phalange for the Creationist Society's proper burial. Everybody thought he was joking until he nailed the thing in just prior to the lowering of the caskets.
When asked how he could have done such a thing, he replied, "Actually, the whole thing was one big hoax. Yep, really. I mean, come on, it was obvious, wasn't it? Perfect preservation down to the fur imprint? Dug up in 1983 and only recently described? No wide scientific scruitiny made available? Published in a free, online science journal?!
- ↑ (1) This is an argumentum ad ignorantiam; (2) humans did not evolve from apes, they had a common ancestor; (3) the creationists were sticking their fingers in their their ears as they spoke