UnNews:Miss Universe dethroned in political scandal
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Miss Universe dethroned in political scandal
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 01:53 (UTC)
24 July 2006
LOS ANGELES, CA: Miss Universe 2006 was stripped today of her Miss Universe crown after only a few scant minutes into her glorious reign. Her fall from grace was prompted by a revelation from anonymous sources to stunned officials that Puerto Rico, the country she allegedly represented, is, in fact, not a country at all, but is instead an outlying non-independent possession of the United States.
18-year-old Zuleyka Rivera, who somehow gained permission to compete in the annual international pageant as "Miss Puerto Rico", broke down in tears and admitted to complicity in the scandal. "Me love to trouble, ¡you no hablo You lovely! La isla de brisas island - blossoms siempre soplando, hundreds of tropical pineapples in gentle breezes always the las piñas que crecen growing, blowing... ¿Puerto Rico?... Usted isla encantadora... siempre , el café florece, always I need the coffee!..." she allegedly explained to angry onlookers in broken Spanglish. Afterwards, Rivera was immediately set upon by a furious Miss USA (Tara Connor, who came in a dismal 5th for the 5th time running), who had to be pulled kicking and screaming off Rivera by a squadron of heavily-armed security guards.
Ms Rivera's lifetime dream whilst growing up in the poverty-torn commonwealth of Puerto Rico was to rule over the entire universe, if only for a single year. For her entire impoverished childhood, she brutally struggled to rise to the top of Puerto Rico's dog-eat-dog glamour industry, and trained for the prestigious Miss Universe event by pumping enormous quantities of iron and steroids and laxatives and enemas. It was only one week ago that Ms Rivera told UnNews that she was only one half of a kilogram away from the coveted Miss Universe crown.
And yet, in one bitterly ironic moment, all of Rivera's previous accomplishments came crashing down around her simply because of Puerto Rico's indeterminate political status. In a humiliating display of wailing and gnashing of teeth, she was forced by the panel of judges to turn over her jewel-encrusted tiara and jewel-encrusted scepter and complimentary glass slippers, before being ceremonially demoted to the lowly status of Miss Puerto Rico once again. The thoroughly embarrassed judges then awarded by default the top position to Miss Japan (Kurara Chibana), with Miss Switzerland (Lauriane Gilliéron) earning $10 for advancing to second place. In response, Miss USA has filed a lawsuit against the pageant, claiming that she should be declared the winner on the grounds that the original winner's "country" is legally part of the United States. Likewise, Magali Febles, Miss Rivera's Dominican double agent, will countersue claiming that the crown should go across the Mona Channel to Miss Dominican Republic since the owner of the Miss Puerto Rico franchise is Dominican. At press time, there were unconfirmed reports that US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice will cut short her Middle East tour to mediate on this escalating dispute.
Miss Puerto Rico is currently being held without bail at the Los Angeles County Courthouse pending her arraignment on charges of fraud and being in the United States illegally, in spite of the fact that she claims that she is an American citizen. As she was carted off to her holding cell, she was heard to scream incoherently "You ugly Puerto Rico, island of diseases tropicales, always the blowing of the hurricanes, in each jails hundreds of peoples owing the pesos, ¡siempre el crecimiento de la Población! ¡Me tengo gusto de la American! ¡USA! ¡USA! ¡USA!"
Donald Trump, who witnessed the sordid proceedings live on television from an undisclosed location, expressed shock and outrage over the incident. "What the HELL was SHE doing in MY pageant?," he was quoted as yelling. "The rules clearly state that only bona fide nations are allowed to compete, just like in the Olympics! And now I hear that 'Rican bitch is claiming she's an American after all??? She didn't say that before! Talk about wanting to have it both ways! Sheeesh!"
In addition to a lengthy prison sentence, Miss Puerto Rico also faces the possibility of deportation back to her native lands. In an exclusive aside to UnNews reporters, the handcuffed beauty thief said that she looked forward to eventually returning to her home town of San Juan, where she plans to rule in wise benevolence over her uglier Hispanic subjects.
MSNBC, Miss Puerto Rico briefly crowned Miss Universe, 24 July 2006