UnNews:Miss Manners, Sexiquette: June 17
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Miss Manners, Sexiquette: June 17
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 5, 2015, 15:37:UTC)(
17 June 2009
Miss Manners answers millions of people around the world each Wednesday, with questions about sexuality, relationships and etiquette in general. Letters may be sent to her in care of her manager and boytoy here. If it's funny, or allows her to demonstrate your inferiority, she may answer it.
First of all, Miss Manners should like to let you know, that if one is going to write to me, do try and spell correctly. Secondly, Miss Manners needs good material to work with, and more than one contribution. The link that says here that you will see in the weekly introduction really does reach Miss Manners, so please let go of your penises, mouse click over, and tell Miss Manners all your pathetic problems.
She thanks Archibald the Koala for having had the courage to write, but do please - all of you - sign your letters (four tildas) from now on.
Dear Miss Manners,
I am a koala. I have been for all my life, and I have found it to be an immensely satisfying lifestyle. I have never regretted my decision, however recently it has become a bit of a burden. Ever since I opened up about it to my girlfriend, she refuses to take me seriously anymore. She coos at me when I yawn, takes photos of me in trees to show her friends, and generally giggles when I do amusing or cute things. Plus, we never have sex anymore. What's worse, she's told my co-workers, and now they don't take me seriously either. Whereas previously I was entrusted with the monetary transfers of millions of dollars, now they make me climb the potted tree in the corner and chew on eucolyptus leaves all day. It's embaressing. Being a marsupial is no laughing matter, I assure you. It's a 24 hour a day job, grooming, snoozing, yawning, looking adorable, it's all immensely time consuming. I have been able to balance these tasks with my work and personal life successfully for thirty years, even when I was at Harvard studying tax law. So why, oh why, do my fellows and my beloved now treat me like some sort of trained chimp? Please tell me how to re-establish myself with my co-workers and my girlfriend. You're the only one who can help. Yours sincerely,
Archibald the Koala
Oh, you are soooo adorable! Miss Manners wonders how she has gone so long without meeting such a cutie as you! Please send more photos, next time!
As to your ladyfriend, Miss Manners regrets to inform you that she is no lady. You must send this one packing, and come and visit Miss Manners. She will see to it that you are fed plenty of eucalyptus leaves, or whatever your furry self desires.
So far as being taken seriously, Miss Manners assures you that she would take you very seriously. Miss Manners is well aware that Koalas are quite a bit fiercer than the average person knows, and she should look forward to learning of that first hand in her own private dungeo-er, bedroom. Will she finally have met her match, or shall you be tamed like all the rest?
Do you like silk bedsheets? If not, Miss Manners could arrange to have a bed of leaves brought in.
I am a receptionist at the White House, and enjoy a close and intimate relationship with my boss, even though he is married. Recently, a reporter from UnNews came by and pressured me to let him copy the Visitor's Log that shows who comes by.
Okay, to be honest, he didn't 'pressure' me, he offered to lay me. Yes, my own boss does that very well, but I've always had a weakness for tall, Nordic looking, blue eyed devils. He seduced me. I couldn't help myself.
Should I confess to my boss now, or just hope for the best? In spite of his nice guy act that he fools the public with, he can have a real temper.
As Miss Manners read this, she believed that she was dealing with yet another whore who could not keep her legs closed. Coming to the part about the UnNews reporter, she was forced to change her mind, not a very usual occurance, she can assure you.
Know that more than one woman has succumbed to the charms of an UnNews reporter, and this is why their crack team of investigators is always first with the up-to-the-micro-second news. When the UnNews reporter sets his sights on one, one may just as well fall over with one's legs up in the air.
As it appears that you did.
Miss Manners understands your concern about your boss, but she is aware as to how wishy-washy and vacillating that one is. Release torture pics, do not release torture pics, free the detainees, do not free the detainees, let gays serve openly, force them back in the closet. It is to make one's head spin about with a rapidity that is astonishing.
As this married man is but using you for sexual release, you owe him no specific loyalty. Rather, your loyalty should be to Miss Manners. She grants you permission to visit sometime, if so, she may let you pet her new Koala. If she may pet you whilst you do so.
I have a very small penis, 1.5 inches hard, and it even qualifies as a 'micropenis' medically. I'm also unemployed, as I have very low self-esteem and never graduated from High School. Actually, I dropped out of Junior High, because the big boys would tease me in the shower about my penis, or lack therof.
I still live with my mom. I have no real skills, am staggeringly shy, no charm or humor. Did I mention my general ugliness and extreme case of acne?
Is this true, or should I kill myself as I've been thinking of doing for some time?
Miss Manners notes with disgust that amongst the many flaws of yourself that you did note, you failed to note that you are a pathetic procrastinator.
Of course one in such a position as you should kill oneself. Of what value are you to yourself or others? If you had money, I'd send you to a humiliatrix, who could enslave you while not having sex with you, but you can't even afford their services.
Miss Manners advises that you end it now, and give your mother a chance at living a bit, instead of attending to you. She also believes that you should let your mother insure you first, so your sorry excuse for a life will have had some meaning.
Private to Mr. Engergizer: Miss Manners agrees with you that some women's "mouths say 'no, no', while their eyes say, 'yes, oh yes!'". However, she believes that when the woman involved is dangling from a harness, hands tied behind her back, with large truck batteries and nipple clips involved, that 'no' (at least in that case) means 'no'.
Other 'Miss Manners' Columns to live by: June 10, 2009