UnNews:Miss Manners, Sexiquette
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Miss Manners, Sexiquette
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, August 25, 2016, 03:06:UTC)(
10 June 2009
Miss Manners answers millions of people around the world each Wednesday with questions about sexuality, relationships and etiquette in general. Letters may be sent to her in care of her manager and boytoy here. If it's funny, or allows her to demonstrate your inferiority, she may answer it.
Dear Miss Manners,
I've been married for over 11 years, and have noticed a decline in my wife's willingness to give me oral sex. At the same time, I've increasingly noticed that my administrative assistant Heather has full and pouty lips, and she always seems eager to please me - bringing me my coffee, picking up my dry cleaning, stuff like that.
I'd like to pursue some kind of affair with her, but thought I'd heard once at some HR meeting that it could be a problem. What's the scoop?
The 'scoop', as you so crudely put it, is that Miss Manners notes that we are in an economic downturn that shows no signs of ending, that layoffs abound, that prices are going up, and that any who have a job should be careful not to offend those who employ them.
Miss Manners is a big believer in that long lost concept called 'gratitude', and believes that you should give this 'administrative assistant' - one assumes you mean 'secretary' - an opportunity to excel in this regard. Have her stay late on some pretext and share your feelings. If she agrees, then all is well. If not, then you may make clear to her who will be next to go come the always pending downsizing.
Dear Miss Manners,
My husband of close to 12 years has been more distant lately, works late, and never wants sex any more. I admit that I hadn't liked giving him oral sex as much, never had liked it really, but now that he doesn't badger me for it any more, I'm concerned. If you saw that slut secretary of his, you'd know what I mean.
What should I do?
Miss Manners has always been annoyed at letters like this. Women (note I do not say 'ladies') like you regard oral sex, a polite and mannerly way of saying "I love you", as a chore to be performed reluctantly, and phased out as soon as you have a ring on your greedy finger. True ladies are cheerful givers, not grudging ones.
What is worse is that now that your degraded husband has acceded to your wishes, you complain the more, and attempt to shift the blame on to him with vague innuendo and cruel insinuations. Miss Manners notes that not content to insult the gentleman who provides for you, you lash out at one of his employees as well.
Miss Manners is of the opinion that if one is delinquent in her duties, she should not criticize any other who may be kind enough to perform those duties for you. Focus now on such other duties that you still bother to do, and do them cheerfully and well, for I can assure you that cooks and maids are hardly difficult to come by when unemployment is approaching record highs.
Dear Miss Manners,
I'm an administrative assistant at a medium sized company that has been having lay offs and downsizings. Recently, my married boss, who I had liked but not been attracted to, made it clear I'd have to have sex with him to keep my job. Being a single mother of three little girls, I've done so, but he is so fat and sloppy that I am starting to dread coming to work.
What can I do?
If Miss Manners is understanding you correctly - and she fears that she does - you were aware that a man was in a state of holy matrimony, but because of your desire for money have had sex with him? In more honest times this was called 'whoring', was it not? Miss Manners notes that you hide behind your children to justify your immoral and criminal activity - how charming.
Miss Manners finds it remarkable that you would now choose to complain about your freely chosen profession. One imagines that when you were answering phones, making copies, gossiping idly about the watercooler, or whatever you 'administrative assistants' do all day, that there were unpleasant facets of that. Such as actually having to work now and then.
At least in your new position of 'whore' you may experience the unpleasantries while lying down. Which Miss Manners finds likely to be a position well familiar to your type.
Miss Manners suggests that you do your best for this man, who was kind enough to offer you a way to make up for your inabilities elsewhere - for if you had been doing your job well, he'd have left it at that, and not needed more from you to make it worth his while to retain you.
Private to Dilemna: Your desire as a Human Resources Director to enforce the policies against fraternization is good and proper, but in this case there is no real harm being done. A middle manager is performing at peak again and a formerly useless 'administrative assistant' is finally doing some real good. Miss Manners suggests that there is no further problem. Do not fret over the upcoming 'Take Your Daughter To Work Day'. Miss Manners is sure that those three were soon enough for that profession anyway.
Other 'Miss Manners' Columns to live by: June 17, 2009