UnNews:Miss America homeless again

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Linda Nelson: the last Miss America?

Miss America homeless again

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1 April 2007

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BUG TUSSLE, TN - No one, it seems, wants Miss America. Television viewers don’t. Networks don’t. Most assuredly, advertisers don’t. After being broadcast for years over the ABC television network, the melodramatic “beauty contest” was dropped, and Miss America found herself homeless until Country Music Television (CMT) picked her up. Now, after only two years, CMT has also dropped the 86-year-old show. Would-be contestants are devastated. “They feel rejected,” Donald Trump, promoter of two rival contests, Miss USA and Miss Universe, said. “Wouldn’t you?”

Bubba Jeeter, a spokesman for CMT told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies, “We love the venerable old bitch, but no one else does, and we can’t show half-naked bikini babes if people aren’t interested in ogling them.”

Critics of the contest, mostly hairy-legged feminists and limp-wrested homosexuals, are partly responsible for the decline in the show’s popularity, actor-turned-political pundit Sean Penn said, explaining that “Real men prefer transsexuals.”

Seymour Oona Beach, 14, added, “A dude can see a lot more T & A on the beach, where half the chicks, wearing thongs, have their butts on display."

“Add bralessness, which is rampant among young women today, and there’s absolutely no need to tune in a beauty contest,” Eddie Borden, 12, said.

“Adolescent boys--pre-teens--made up most of what was left of the Miss America Contest’s audience,” Fletcher Lecher, 10, agreed, “and we sure as hell weren’t watching it to see some bitch in a formal gown or trying to sing or dance. It was all about tits and ass, and we can see more of that on the street, on the beach, or in the classroom. In fact, any student who wants to have sex has only to ask his teacher. Male or female, the teacher’s more than happy to provide a little private sex education, if you get my drift.”

To spice up the show last year, the contest added a behind-the-scenes “pageant boot camp reality show prelude,” Jeeter recalled, “but, when the contest started, only 2.3 viewers across America tuned in to watch the 2006 winner, Lauren What‘s-Her-Name, get crowned. Half-naked women just don’t have the drawing power they had in more innocent days.”

The spokesman said that CMT suggested that the Miss America Organization change its format to replace bikinis with bare flesh, reinventing the contest as the Miss Nude America Contest. “Then, maybe a few pimply teens would tune in, and we would be willing to air the contest until 2010, as we’d originally planned.”

The organization refused to “go bare,” and CMT declined to renew its option to air the show.

“They told us, essentially, to put out or get out,” Donna Watch, a spokesperson for the organization, said, “so we got out.” Reportedly, the homeless show is “in discussion” with other television networks concerning ways to get back on the air with a bigger audience.

“Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network have expressed interest, if we will lose the talent and evening gown segments of the show and allow thongs,” Watch said.

CMT has decided to replace the Miss America Contest with Miss Transsexual America, a beauty contest in which “wannabe women compete for the title of America’s Loveliest Ladyboy,” Skeeter said. The 2006 winner of the Miss America Contest, Linda Nelson, of Oklahoma Is OK, said she is considering having sex-change surgery so she can enter the new contest as a “former woman.”

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