UnNews:Misfortune cookies: a new twist on a popular traditional "dessert"
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Misfortune cookies: a new twist on a popular traditional "dessert"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, December 1, 2015, 07:31:UTC)(
9 October 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
NEW YORK, NY - Wonton Foods, in responding to a directive from Shiva, the Hindu god of death and destruction, has introduced a new twist to the popular traditional Chinese “dessert” formerly known as fortune cookies. Instead of the asinine, insipid, and often optimistic predictions diners could expect inside the crispy baked shells of the more traditional cookies, the new ones have dire warnings, foreboding prognostications, and ominous prophecies. “We go for the short hairs with this new line of confectionary delights,” Wonton Foods’ spokesman Chan Chung declared.
He showed Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies several of the new treats. Inside were such cautionary statements as:
- “Don’t rule out suicide as a means of atonement.”
- “Narcissism defines you.”
- “If your significant other gives you herpes, pass it on.”
- “If it weren’t for bad luck, you’d have none at all.”
One of the recipients of the new cookies is suing Wonton Foods for “destroying my life.” The message inside his cookie predicted divorce, job loss, and long-term disability. As a result, the ill-fated cookie recipient refused to get out of bed, and his wife divorced him after he was fired for being absent from work. On his way home, he fell down an open manhole and broke his back. Now, he is in traction. His prognosis? Long-term disability. “Wonton Foods has cursed me,” he said, “and, because of their predictions, my life is hell on earth.”
Some say that Shiva is making the cookies’ predictions come true, but Chung says such beliefs are “preposterous.” Quoting one of the cookies, he said, “The fault lies not in the stars, but in ourselves.”
When he was told that this statement sounded less like a prediction than a line cribbed from Shakespeare, Chung said, “Our writers steal from only the very best.”
Unnews suggests that diners might want to skip the fortune cookies the next time they decide to eat at a Chinese restaurant.