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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, October 23, 2016, 09:51:UTC)(
23 July 2007
WASHINGTON D.C. - A nuke aimed from the White House was mistakenly misfired last night at 11:03 P.M., missing its preset target of Pyong-Yang, North Korea, instead destroying a remote warehouse in rural Alabama which housed the server which supported the oft-ridiculed website for political conservatives, Conservapedia. The effect of the loss of this ridiculously biased site caused widespread celebration among the general populace, except for a couple of primitive tribes in Africa, who really didn't give a shit. The amusing, yet equally pathetic views of uneducated conservatives can no longer be hosted on Conservapedia, severing the only method of communication conservatives had, excluding phonographs. Conservatives have attempted to rebound by congregating in various Protestant churches across the southern United States, but their futile efforts have led to long debates over literal interpretations of several passages of the Bible. Those of us who remain intelligent and rational in the face of political debate can only enjoy a brief moment of tranquility and hope for its further continuation. The cause of the misfire is currently being investigated by White House officials, who report that their searches as of yet have only yielded the finding of Vice President Dick Cheney unconscious on the floor of the White House missile control room clutching an empty bottle of Absolut Vodka. Investigators insist that the Vice President wasn't involved with the misfire. Cheney himself has been unavailable for comment since he was found, as he has been recovering in his room in the White House. Guests who were at the White House dinner party last night reported seeing Cheney leave the room around 10:00 P.M. heavily intoxicated and carrying a full bottle of Absolut Vodka. White House spokesmen refused further comment, although the following short statement was released to the press early this morning in response to questions about the incident by President George Bush:
"The nuclear missiles which was fired from the White House late last night was an unfortunate accident. It is very regrettable that the proud users of the website known as Conservapedia can no longer meet on the Internets. I use the Google on my computer sometimes to look up maps, but this morning I searched for Conservapedia and found some of the content that was there before the website came down. The users of Conservapedia ought to be honored for adhering to such strict values which give our nation structure, and promoting unity among Americans by sharing their views with others. I apologize to them, and assure the American public that the Vice President was not involved in this issue, and that he was not carrying his hunting rifle at the time that the missile was launched. I'd also like to say thank you to all of you Americans out there for being supportive and supporting me, and may the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit bless this great country."
The North Korean government used satellite imagery to trace the missile's original trajectory and determine that its intended target was Pyong-Yang, the capital city of North Korea. North Korean officials responded to the incident with great outrage and have withdrawn from all diplomatic relations with the United States (not that they ever existed, anyway) and began arming its weapons of mass destruction in preparation for nuclear war against America. The United Nations declined to intervene in this potentially hostile situation, releasing a statement including a small comment about "drunken morons". North Korea is expected to issue a formal declaration of war at some point tomorrow afternoon.