UnNews:Mine owner continues hunt for Elvis
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Mine owner continues hunt for Elvis
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 6, 2016, 15:33:UTC)(
17 August 2007
MEMPHIS, TN -- Tension remains high among friends and relatives of Elvis Presley, the legendary rock and roll musician who is believed to have died 30 years ago. Despite countless evidence of his death from a plethora of experts and historians, Bob Murray, president and CEO of Murray Energy Group Corp., remains optimistic that Elvis can be found alive.
"I'm disappointed to say that on the 30th anniversary of Elvis Presley's death," Bob Murray told an impatient crowd at a news conference Wednesday. There were plenty of reasons Elvis may yet live, Murray said, including small air pockets in his casket and delicious grub worms that may have provided enough nutrition to sustain Elvis for three decades.
Following an extensive unearthing of Elvis's grave, rescue teams have been unable to find anything other than the embalmed body of Elvis Presley. Murray says that it may be necessary to look inside Elvis's casket again for a fourth search for signs of life.
Despite thorough examinations of surveillance videos, Murray reports to have seen a hair from inside the casket, claiming it is a sign that Elvis is well. "Elvis must have been alive to produce the strand of hair seen in the video," Murray insinuated. "This is the best evidence we have so far."
Experts on the life of Elvis Presley point out that Elvis's death certificate indicates he was found dead on August 17, 1977. Dr. Theodor Geisel, a German pathologist, says that Murray's argument "is ridiculous in the extreme." There is no possible way, he continued, that Elvis was "even breathing at all for the past 30 years because he had a heart attack and is dead, dead, dead."
No signs of Elvis since his "death" 30 years ago have put off neither Murray nor his contracted rescue teams.
"These are the worst and most unfortunate circumstances I have seen in my life," Murray concluded, "but if we were able to save those poor miners in Utah, then we can overcome a measly document declaring his clinical death."
Upon being told that the miners trapped in a coal mine near Huntington, Utah were most likely dead, Murray was heard to mutter "Oh," under his breath.