UnNews:Millions of people presumed dead after an accident in Namibia
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Millions of people presumed dead after an accident in Namibia
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, March 17, 2018, 12:59:UTC)(
4 February 2014
WINDHOEK, Namibia -- Millions of city dwellers crowded around the Namibian Applied Sciences building this morning awaiting the final results for "the most pivotal scientific study in history", as declared by the frequently yet unnecessarily shirtless Soviet President Vladimir Putin, a prominent member of the crowd. Five weeks ago, Professors Jim Dickinson and Yooa Ho, highly acclaimed individuals of the Astrophysics and Mystical Witchcraft Community of Namibia, sought out for the truth in mankind's own existence, proposing a study that would most certainly (yes, certainly) lead us to the answer of whether or not this world is, in fact, the Matrix.
But what remains of the scene at this very instant reveals a tragic and yet otherwise opposing outcome to what many had excitedly anticipated. At exactly 10:09:89, Korea Standard Time, an immensely large horde of Puku Antelope, indigenous mammals of the Namibian desert, raided the crowd, resulting in the most despicable massacre of the century. So far, local tribesmen and witch doctors have calculated a death toll of nearly 6.62606957 × 10-34 m2 kg/s people, as well as 3.1415920 casualties awaiting medical attention. As of now, about 0.00007587 ambulances have arrived on the scene, an excellent and heroic display of Namibia's topnotch healthcare system.
As for lab results, they have yet to be released.
"We apologize for our failure in the completion of this study," Professor Dickinson explained in tears on local television, "but about eight ninths of the participants in this study mysteriously dropped dead in perfect unison about two hours ago. The file that housed their results on this study was abruptly struck by a bolt of lightning as well, right in front of my eyes, as I attempted to retrieve it. The bolt was of a dark red color and made a loud noise as it struck the ground."
As Dickinson was expressing his apologies to the world, the Namibian Applied Sciences building had immediately collapsed to the ground despite the absence of any nearby seismic activity. More research will be conducted as to see if this incident was yet again another Islamic Terrorist Attack, or ITA, as ordered by the proudly mentally handicapped George 'Dubya' Bush.
"We won't be getting results for this study anytime soon", explained Caputano Obvioso, a Namibian Applied Sciences board member from Bologna, Italy.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|