UnNews:Millions of Immigrants Celebrate New Month's
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Millions of Immigrants Celebrate New Month's
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 5, 2016, 05:18:UTC)(
2 May 2006
(New York, NY) Immigrants all across the United States came out in droves May 1st to celebrate a festive cultural holiday - New Month's. The holiday is just like the American New Year's, except done on a monthly basis. Each New Month's Eve, foreigners gather in revelry and take the following day off from work.
While almost every US city saw some celebrating, one of the largest crowds turned at New York City's Times Square. Eva Lopes stood in the square for hours, waiting for ball drop and a wage increase. She is an illegal immigrant from Mexico. "Being here, with all my compatriots, reminds me of my childhood back in Mexico," the 45 year old woman said.
Many restaurants, clothing shops, constructions sites, and meatpacking plants were closed on Monday for the holiday. Additionally, trash bins at UnNews secret headquarters remained inexplicably unemptied at the end of the day. New Month's however, is not an official federal holiday, like it is in many South and Central American countries.
The Bush administration is against declaring it a national holiday, saying it would adversely affect the national economy. But anonymous White House sources say the real reason is that Bush needs Paco the janitor to clean the mess he makes in the bathroom every morning, and having to clean it himself once a month would be a travesty.
The Catholic Church, however, strongly favors the multicultural celebration. The Bible tells us that just like God rested on the 7th day after creation, he also rested once a month from performing any other miracles. In the New Testament's parable of the citrus tree, Jesus says that "Working on New Month's day is like eating an unripe lemon - it is even more sour than a regular lemon." Los Angeles archbishop Roger Mahony explains that Jesus implied that working on New Month's sucks even more than working on other days.
Many immigrant make "New Month's resolutions," but polls show about 80% of people manage to keep them through only the first week of the next month. Philadelphia resident Hugo Morales revealed his resolution is to "get a job that's not at a sweatshop," but admits he made the same resolution last year and failed to act on it. Despite opposing the holiday, as a sign of compassion even president George Bush made a resolution, vowing to boost his poll numbers. He has failed to keep this resolution for the past 10 months in a row.
Organizers of May 1st celebrations say that not only should New Month's be made into a federal holiday, but also that the lesser holiday of New Week's should be recognized. "Preferably, " says Allen Goykman, "it would be celebrated on a weekday, not a weekend - since weekends are already days off."
Sadly, there was an incident this morning in which a certain Chris Hood got pissed after his boss forced him to stay at work even though he felt that he should be celebrating New Months'. Hood went crazy and shot fourteen people before tearing through the city nude. "It was very unpleasant," says Mr. Vivek, who was at Times Square trying to buy a stuffed animal to eat for breakfast. "I only wish that I had eaten some cereal!"
We here at UnNews wish everyone a very happy May of 2006!