UnNews:Millions 'accidentally' put on Mafia Hitlist by incompetent UK government officials
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Millions 'accidentally' put on Mafia Hitlist by incompetent UK government officials
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, May 28, 2016, 20:10:UTC)(
21 November 2007
AS MANY AS 30 MILLION of the UK population will spend the rest of their lives looking over their shoulders after their details were put on a Mafia hitlist by incompetent government officials. It is thought that millions of men, women and children each now have a price on their heads of around £3,000!
Chancellor Alice Darling has said that he "deeply regrets that half the UK population is now at risk from being 'hit' by a Mafia assassin at any time" but assures us that, "with only around 300 assassins employed by the mafia it would take them 1000s of years to execute every one, even if they worked 12 hour shifts."
Despite such assurances it is thought that 300 people have been 'whacked' as a result of the government blunder. Mafia asssasins are raking in the dividends after the sudden influx of contracts. Previously the hitlist was thought to contain a few hundred names but with more than 30 million additions the Mafia hitmen are collectively "like the cat that got the cream".
One such hitman, Tony Crappetti, explained to unnews corrspondent Giles Target how he can get up in the morning, walk down to the shops, buy a paper, shoot three people randomly and likely earn close to £10,000, "it really is all our Christmases coming at once" he said this morning, "it used to be the people we hit were themselves very dangerous people, had armed security. We had to plan our hits very carefully"
"But now, its different. I can go down to McDonalds on any weekend lunchtime and 'whack' a whole family, earning myself £12,000 for a family of four! I'll probably be able to retire by the end of the year!"
In later developments Giles Target, who has worked for unnews since 1866, was'whacked' in a gangland style hit after being shot three times in the back of the head. Police however speculate that it was likely the result of a tragic accident.