UnNews:Milk Carton blamed for assassinations
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Milk Carton blamed for assassinations
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 26, 2016, 06:28:UTC)(
14 November 2006
The milk carton was taken down by SWAT personal as he tried to flee from a scene. He was shot in the leg as he crawled along the ground pathetically begging for mercy as he left a trail of blood. He was then taken into custody in Alcatraz in a high security cell.
He has been charged for assassination of the following people:
- John F Kennedy
- Japanese politician Inejiro Asanuma (sent the sushi chain shops of "Sushi Sushi" almost bankrupt)
- Marvin Gaye (during the anti-gay revolution he was mistaken for being one of the "others")
- President William McKinley
- Abraham Lincoln
- That piece of mouldy cheese in the corner of our studio(started world war 3)
- Archduke Franz Ferdinand (started world war 1)
- Mr. Puddy (started world war 2)
- Chairman Mao
- the "realllll" God
- Stephen A. Austin
- Chocolate, his evil twin brother
Okay, that was actually 14 people. These are some of the terrible deaths the peoples of Earth, Jupiter and P3-36A and 26% of the residents in the Andromeda galaxy have been wondering about. This milk carton will be sentenced to 50 forms of punishment including being fed his favourite food and a massage. From now on it'll be free candy bars and wheat based products for everyone, except that guy. No NOT HIM! the guy to the left! No.... No.... lil more.... OH CMON! A bit more to the right!... see?... No not him!... U NOOB, damn noobs can't even see that guy over there.