UnNews:Military to deploy gaydar

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Military to deploy gaydar

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18 October 2007


Don‘t ask, don‘t tell!

SAN FRANCISCO - In a study financed by Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Americans, scientists observing “alternative behavior” among gays and lesbians have identified the elements of so-called “gaydar,” the uncanny ability among such individuals of intuiting their own kind among the general population. “Now, we understand just what attracts us, initially, to one another,” Gay Blade declared gleefully. “And, yes, it’s more--in the case of gay men--of pec and penis size.”

According to the study, determining whether one is gay comes down to body type and the way an individual walks. Both offer subtle cues that gays and lesbians hone in on like a hawk targets a chicken. Scientists at UCLA, New York University, and Texas A&M, having no better use of their time, accepting the challenge of figuring out what, if anything, makes gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgender folks tick, ogling studying eight male and eight female volunteers, half of whom were queer and half of whom were normal.

Led by UCLA’s Kerri Johnson, who would not divulge her sexual orientation, the team measured participants’ shoulders, hips, waists, breasts, and penises before having each of them walk naked on a treadmill for two minutes while cameramen from Devil Films, Ltd., photographed every move they made with a 3-D motion-capture system to track the straights’ and queers’ “shoulder swagger,” “breast bounce,” and “hip and scrotum sway.”

The researchers also measured the size of the participants’ hands and the lengths of their fingers.

The scientists found that gay men and women have more “bounce to the ounce” and more “sway in the gait” that their heterosexual counterparts and that gay males have an hourglass figure, whereas lesbians have a more tubular form. In addition, gay men mince more, putting a little extra swing in their hips, while lesbians swagger their shoulders more than normal women. There tended to be more “scrotal sway” among gay males than among their heterosexual counterparts, too.

“The treadmill videos were informative as well,” Johnson told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies. “We focused on the participants’ backsides, showing the results to 112 undergraduates. They were able to discern, from these backfields in motion, so to speak, the male volunteers’ sexual orientation with a degree of accuracy that exceeds the probability of chance, despite their inability to see the subjects’ faces or clothing.”

More specifically, the observers correctly identified the queers 60 percent of the time for men. Their accuracy in spotting lesbians was less and did not rule out chance as a determining factor.


Flipping the bird could identify you as being gay!

Another distinguishing feature among gay men, the scientists concluded, is the length of the index finger. “That’s the booger-picker,” Johnson clarified, “not the bird.” In both gay men and lesbians, the index finger is longer than it is among straights, because they have more testosterone in their bodies than heterosexuals have, which causes the extra length in the digit.

“We’ve discovered the elements of the gaydar that gays and lesbians have asserted exists for so long,” Johnson declared: “shoulder swag, booby bounce, hip and scrotum sway, index finger length, and general body type.”

Asked what practical value their research has beyond helping queers identify one another with more confidence, Johnson said, “Aside from our findings saving some faggot from an ass-whupping for zeroing in on a straight instead of a fellow queer, it also discredit’s Bill Clinton’s ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy, because if casual observers can determine sexual orientation with minimal information, then the value in concealing this information certainly appears questionable.”

The Pentagon has expressed interest in the study’s conclusions. A military spokesman, General Dick Head, said that military recruiters plan to use the newfound intelligence to “weed out queers” by measuring their body parts and having them walk a treadmill during their physical examinations. “Then, we’ll show their asses to our servicemen and women and ferret out the queers among the wannabe recruits. At last, thanks to this study, we have a scientific tool to determine who’s queer and who’s normal. The military is glad to be able to add gaydar to its arsenal of surveillance and reconnaissance equipment.”

Johnson was appalled to learn of the Pentagon’s plans. “We didn’t intend such an application of our research,” she said. “The purpose was to make life easier, not more difficult, for gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgender people.”

Told of Johnson’s statement, the general said, “Well, it seems their little sissy experiment backfired on them.”

The study’s findings are published in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology and FM 11-18 (The Benefits of Gaydar in Recruiting Military Personnel).

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