UnNews:Military Consensus: No News is Good News
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Military Consensus: No News is Good News
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, March 24, 2017, 20:16:UTC)(
2 March 2010
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IRAQ, Green Zone -- UnNews learned recently that according to Capt. Statistics over in Charlie Company, there are a total of 1,118,027 US military personnel, in all branches of service, including Women & Children, who are on active duty within the United States and its colonies around the universe, including on the Moon. Yet hardly anyone cares about them or their opinions.
With just such a view, the University of Oman conducted a first time ever – complete survey taken of all US active-duty personal – and the over-whelming consensus is that, “No news is GOOD news!”
Sgt. Linda Meloski, a Polish-American solderess, told UnNews, “Sure! We all feel that way! It’s like if I’m on the radio, and some call comes in, with some hysterical grunt shoutin’, ‘Help! We’re surrounded! Goddamn rag heads everywhere’ POW, ratttatatatat! ‘Fuck!’ BHAM! ‘Somebody, help!’ Ratatatat! ‘This is Delta Bravo Tango, or whatever!’ Blam! Kerpow! 'We have' BANG! '..221 KIA and we need' Pow! Pow! '..immediate evacuation!’ Boom! Pow! ‘Oh shit! Here comes a suicide bomber!’ Kerpow! Blam! Pow! ‘Hey!' Boom! '..stop that fuckin’ guy!’ Ratatatatat! Blam! ‘Oh FUCK!’ B-L-A-M!!! ‘AAAaaa!’ Bzzzzzzzz.
“So how you think I feel with these God-lovin' heros gettin' all screwed up. I mean, what the hell can I do sittin’ in the bunker? So I feel terrible. I hate news; cause its mostly always BAD news. Like some Humvee gets hit by an IED and my pals get blown away. Forget that! So when the University lady asked me, so I told ‘em the truth, that No News is Good News! – Now the Army can Court Martial my fancy ass for speakin’ out. But, hell, better to be truthful!”
Sgt Meloski was not surprised with the results when told that all military personnel had voted like her, and replied, “Well course! I’d much rather hear, ‘Bravo Tango! This is Kiss My Ass Company. It’s all-quiet on all fronts, no action tonight, no injuries to report, over!’ --- Damn! Now THAT would be some good fuckin’ news. But it just never happens!”
The Sgt concluded by telling UnNews, “Hey, you jerks feelin’ bored? Nothin’ happenin’? Well, hell, I got some GOOD news for you! READ MY HAND!” She then flipped us off while our UnNews cameraman made a pencil sketch, which is shown below (color by Dolby Laboratories)…
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|