UnNews:Miley Cyrus sneezes
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Miley Cyrus sneezes
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, June 25, 2017, 03:29:UTC)(
27 July 2008
HOLLYWOOD -- The celeb world is abuzz with the latest news of teen idol Miley Cyrus. Apparently, late last night, young Cyrus got out of bed to walk to the bathroom at midnight, and sneezed.
"Well, it had been a fairly normal night up to that part," says Frederick Phlegm, chairman of the Miley Cyrus department of UnNews (which is the five times bigger than the dwindling Britney Spears department, and about a hundred times bigger than the Iraq department, which is only one journalist), "She was sleeping peacefully in her bedroom, despite the crowd of 20 or so paparazzi who were taking her picture, when she suddenly bolted up, and sneezed. And I'm proud to say we've got that sneeze on film. Also, a number of the booger coated cameras have each been collected and will be available for auction on Ebay in a few weeks' time."
The footage of the sneeze is being broadcasted 24 hours a day on every major news network, in case any readers have not yet seen it. Phlegm says, "The sneeze seemed to indicate that she might be ill. Having her best interests at heart, I naturally did what any respectable journalist would do--I asked if she had an STD, and which of the Jonas Brothers had given it to her. In an act of pure denial, the little bitch slapped me. I would have broken her arms if they weren't property of the Disney Channel."
Many fans have expressed outrage at Cyrus for sneezing. "It reminds us that she's just another pitiful human being instead of some sort of Goddess!" exclaimed one of Cyrus's 45-year old male fans. Cyrus's home is now filled with over 8,000 journalists, all of them hoping to perhaps get a photo of Cyrus sneezing again, or, if they're VERY lucky, a cough. Cyrus herself expressed anger towards the media for covering her personal life. Incidentally, when she said this, she scratched her chin, which had a zit on it. A ZIT!
"You journalists should cover issues that actually matter!" said Cyrus, "You push real news almost completely to the background!" This is blatantly untrue. Incidentally, there's life on Venus.