UnNews:Miley Cyrus neglects to wear pants, sends thousands of Americans to prison
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Miley Cyrus neglects to wear pants, sends thousands of Americans to prison
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, October 4, 2015, 20:03:UTC)(
16 June 2010
LoOS ANGELES, California -- Controversial gossip blogger Perez Hilton is in hot water after posting an up-the-skirt photo of teenage sensation Miley Cyrus.
Last Sunday, Hilton was e-mailed a photograph of Cyrus climbing out of a car, exposing her vagina. He promptly posted it to his Twitter page, without considering that in doing so, he was supplying thousands of Americans with child pornography.
"This is a serious crime," declared Los Angeles District Attorney Steve Cooley. "The state of California takes child pornography very seriously. Hilton faces up to fifteen years in prison, followed by lifetime supervision as a sex offender."
"Further," continued Cooley, "we have information leading us to believe that up to ninety-three paparrazi snapped photos of Cyrus's vagina as she thrust it out of the car, waving it at them and fingering herself. These men are all dangerous pedophiles who also deserve many years in the joint."
Cyrus, 17, could also be facing criminal charges. Last year, in Newark, Ohio, a fifteen-year-old girl was sentenced to life in prison for taking nude cell phone photos of herself. In that case, prosecutors argued that she was manufacturing child pornography, placing millions of children at risk, and that because of the seriousness of her crime, she must be tried as an adult.
"Cyrus clearly knew that nearly one hundred paparrazi follow her everywhere she goes," opined Cooley. "By gyrating her naked pooter at them before bending over and poking her thumb into her pseudo-virgin asshole, Cyrus was complicit in the manufacture of child pornography. Clearly, society cannot tolerate a dangerous pedophile such as Miley Cyrus to live among us."
Also facing charges are the 4,230 Americans who viewed the picture of Hilton's Twitter page before the U.S. military launched a commando raid against Twitter's servers. Cooley estimates that at least half of them have the picture floating around in their browser cache somewhere.
"And even if they don't, it doesn't matter," continued Cooley. "The U.S. Supreme Court has consistently ruled that internal possession of marijuana is a crime. Why should internal possession of child pornography be any different?"
Local child molester Brian Raddison agreed.
"These people are sick," opined the Speedo-clad Raddison, pulling a pair of goggles over his eyes. "Everyone knows that little girls should only be stared at underwater at a public pool. To take a picture of one of them isn't just a crime: it's an atrocity. Besides, Cyrus just isn't that hot anymore. She grew these weird lumps on her chest and her hips got all flarey. Only a faggot like Perez Hilton would have a thing for her these days."
Amateur archaeologist Bryce Torez, on the other hand, had nothing useful to contribute to this story.
"Is Miley even a name?" Torez asked, irrelevantly.
Some have pointed out that Hilton's image of Cyrus's vagina was censored, rendering it comparatively harmless - an argument Cooley finds unconvincing.
"It doesn't matter if you cover it with a blur effect, a black square, or a pair of jeans," asserted Cooley. "It's still a vagina, and anyone looking at it deserves to serve hard time in a Federal penitentiary."
When we asked Cooley whether he himself had seen the image, he nodded. Then, a look of realization passing across his face, he reached into his pocket and handcuffed himself.
"Steve Cooley, I am under arrest for pedophilia," intoned Cooley. "I have the right to remain silent, except to the extent that I have to speak to myself in order to provide myself with my Miranda rights. I have the right to an attorney. Anything I say in court can and will be used against me, as well as any prosecutors who receive the photo in an evidence packet."
It is legal for men of any age to copulate with, sodomize, impregnate, or teabag Cyrus in 29 states and the District of Columbia, provided they don't mind acquiring a case of crabs.
- Bradley Jenkins "Perez Hilton Faces Hard Time over Trashy Teen's Twat". FOX News Entertainment, June 16, 2010
- Molly McPockin "15 Year Old Girl Founds Pedophilia Ring From Cell Phone". FOX News, October 9, 2008