UnNews:Miley Cyrus: "I wanna be a role model for youth"
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Miley Cyrus: "I wanna be a role model for youth"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 5, 2016, 12:51:UTC)(
13 August 2009
DISNEYWORLD, Florida -- A few weeks after the opening of her new successful movie about Hannah Montana, “Hannah Montana: The New Successful Movie”, actress Miley Cyrus has accepted to answer a few questions from our Uncyclopedia UnNews team. For the first time, she talks without any restraint about her relationship with her fans, giving them advice on how to succeed in life and, most importantly, to keep their virginity until they get married.
Uncyclopedia Magazine: First of all Miley, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you on behalf of all our readers for accepting to answer our questions. I know you get a lot of requests from media all around the world and it’s cool that you decided to go with Uncyclopedia.
Miley Cyrus: Well you know, the most important thing in life is solidarity and trust. And also world peace. And not to mention the end of starvation. Anyway it’s totally natural that I answer questions from Disneyclopedia; don’t we work for the same company after all?
Uncyclopedia Magazine: Right. Well, I’m gonna stop you right now: I’m the one asking questions here. Understood?
Miley Cyrus: Ok, but I just want to say that war is a bad thing.
Uncyclopedia Magazine: Let’s go on. Can you tell us about the plot of your new movie?
Miley Cyrus: It’s a story full of solidarity and trust in which we never talk about war or starvation because these things shouldn’t exist and kids are really not interested by these subjects. Hannah Montana is a girl who…
Uncyclopedia Magazine: Woah! Woah! Woah! Stop now! This is totally boring. Let’s switch to another subject. So tell us, is it true you’re still a virgin?
Miley Cyrus: Oh I’m very pleased you ask because it’s a very important matter to me. You have to stay a virgin until you get married, it’s moral and Christian. The Bible teaches us that Jesus was still a virgin until he got married and his mother was an even better Christian, keeping her virginity even after getting married and giving birth. They are role models I want to emulate and perpetuate for the kids.
Uncyclopedia Magazine: In theory it’s easy to choose this way of life but when you’re a teenager, a girl full of hormones and sexual needs,such as cocks, how do you manage to resist temptation, especially for someone like you working in show-business, where people spend more time in orgies than on set?
Miley Cyrus: Since I was 13, I mastered a simple and efficient method of controlling the sexual needs you’re talking about which perverts young people even more than war and starvation.
Uncyclopedia Magazine: Interesting. Can you tell us more about this method? Does it have a name?
Miley Cyrus: Masturbation. Each time I want to fuck, I find a quiet place and start rubbing my clit and fingering my pussy like a crazy bitch in heat, then I cum screaming like a dog over and over. When the need is too strong, I use one of my dildos – I always have one in my purse – and I put it deep in my vagina and stroke it like crazy while squirting all over my thighs. Then I get back to work.
Uncyclopedia Magazine: I see. And is it enough to calm you down?
Miley Cyrus: It was until last year. I used to masturbate 5 or 6 times a day which was enough to control my needs. But since I’m 16, it’s getting more and more difficult. Staying a virgin until marriage, it’s really not a piece of cake; you have to work hard to achieve that goal but this is what the Lord taught us: resist temptation.
Uncyclopedia Magazine: Does that mean you found a more efficient way to control yourself? Which one?
Miley Cyrus: Anal sex. Having my asshole stretched by a huge throbbing dick is, in my humble opinion, a good way to compromise. I can still technically remain a virgin while catering for my furious need to have sex like a nymphomaniac whore. And I’m not the only one with this state of mind. All the boys and men with whom I’m discussing this subject agree. They respect my body and my philosophy of life by putting their incredibly hard cocks deep inside my ass. It’s proof that young people are not as bad as you may think when you read papers or watch TV. There is hope in this world, you just have to use a lot of lubricant.
Uncyclopedia Magazine: But aren’t your boyfriends a little bit frustrated that they are not allowed to fuck your pussy?
Miley Cyrus: Yes of course. As I say, this is not an easy life mode. But we are always able to find harmony talking openly. And if a man is not ok with the way I think about virginity, I simply let him down and I take the next in line. But before, I give him a good old blowjob until his semen comes into my throat so he can understand that putting his penis inside my pussy is not that important. There are ways not to disappoint our Lord Jesus Christ.
Uncyclopedia Magazine: And when do you think you will find Mr. Perfect that will be good enough to make you lose your virginity?
Miley Cyrus: Oh I don’t know yet! The Prince is certainly here, somewhere.. What do you know? Maybe I’ll meet him at the huge gang-bang scheduled tonight in my hotel room. Life, as they say, is full of surprises.
Uncyclopedia Magazine: Well, Miley, thank you very much for this interview, it's been really informative. I’m sure that thanks to you, our readers have learned a lot of new things. Do you have a last word for them?
Miley Cyrus: Dear friends from Disneyclopedia, go see my movie, it’s awesome! Be against war and starvation, keep your virginity and use a lot of lubricant! By the way, did someone see my publicist? It’s been an hour since she left and I cannot find my folder “The right answers to give to journalists”.