UnNews:Mike Tindall & Zara "What me- a royal?" Phillips Marry Today
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30 July 2011
Edinburgh, Great Britain -- Canongate Kirk in Edinburgh was today the scene of mad rejoicing, as a vast crowd of over 40 people, not all of them royal, gathered to celebrate the wedding of Mike 'Spike' Tindall, former guard dog and 1984 runner-up at Crufts Dog Show, to Miss Zara Phillips, who claims to be nothing to do with the British royal family. Despite this, many senior members of the House of Windsor turned up, as they do to so many weddings and other free charitable events, wearing silly hats and eating everything not nailed down.
The bride looked mildly pregnant in an artfully arranged white bedsheet, and wore a homemade tiara fashioned from an egg carton and chicken wire. Her many tattoos were well hidden and at least she didn't fall over. The groom looked raffish and chic in a 'just been pushed off a tall building' kind of way, displaying his considerable chest hair to advantage.
Among the guests were a minor actress and a butch-looking woman who races skeletons. Despite a prominent sticker saying "I'm a Knight' the ex-rally driver and insurance advertiser Sir Jackie Stewart was turned away for being too short and bald. Other guests included some of Mike 'Spike' Tindall's handlers and trainers, his personal vet and a number of his canine friends. Several fights broke out among the ushers when they got near the food tent, and Best Man Iain 'Rocky' Balshawe received a nasty bite to the neck, but the handlers were able to bring them to heel, in some cases using electric-shock collars.
The happy couple intend to honeymoon at the Pedigree Chum factory near Sheffield, then later that afternoon return to the kennel they have been sharing for the last 2 years in Hastings, East Sussex.
- Staff "Zara Phillips and Mike Tindall Marry in Edinburgh Sunshine". Daily Telegraph, July 30, 2011