UnNews:Midgets outraged at Pluto's new "dwarf" status
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Midgets outraged at Pluto's new "dwarf" status
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 1, 2016, 09:58:UTC)(
26 August 2006
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PRAGUE, SOME COUNTRY IN EUROPE-- With Pluto's status now downgraded, there is much controversy surrounding its new status as "dwarf planet." Among the complaints and criticisms from professors, scientists, and various Disney characters, comes allegations from little people that this new classification as "dwarf" is yet another attempt by tall people to oppress and degrade the midget minority. Apparently, when Pluto was yet a planet, the midgets had full rights to its neighbor Neptune (provided they offer ten hectares' worth of sacrificed cattle to their god Poseidon), says chairman of the International Society for the Advancement of Dwarves (ISAD) Jason Acuña, but now that Pluto is considered a dwarf, its ownership falls under the jurisdiciton of midgets, and Neptune's ownership has once more been given to Walt Disney.
"The same f***ing thing happened in 19-00-something with that whole f***ing Hertzsprung-Russell sh** about the "dwarf stars", said a very angry Acuña in a recent interview. "All f***ing astronomers or astronomists or whatever-the-f***-they-call-themselves-now are out to get us! I mean, yeah sure, we helped Sauron conquer Middle-Earth and all, but that was some two hundred f***ing years ago! Let it go already, f***ing elves!"So what are the midgets doing to combat this "indecent slandering of midget rights" as they so call it? Exactly that: combat. Armed with everything from shovels to ice-picks to venomous snakes, dwarves from all over Europe converged in one convenient shopping mall in Prague (yeah right, there's like nothing in Czechia) last Thursday to protest Pluto's reclassification. Storming the plaza, the midgets killed an estimated 42 people, with only five casualties on their side.
Most of the midgets involved in the massacre were arrested, as well as some just standing around gawking and cheering, further fueling the fires of hatred that have been burning in the hearts of both midgets and humans for centuries. Though it is still unknown if this might lead to war, as such things have proven to be unpredictable in the past; the last Human-Midget War spelt disaster for the dwarves, banishing them to the realm of Niðavellir for a thousand years. "It is our belief that the midgets, er, little people--do indeed possess weapons of mass obstruction, whose power to temporarily halt minor U.S. domestic endeavors is great, and have been observed in the past", rambled President George W. Bush in a press conference on Friday. "Have you ever seen a ring of midgets surrounding a Steak-n-Shake? If you come up to them, they kick you right in the nuts--makes it very difficult for civilians to proceed with their daily lives. No, the midget menace is one we cannot allow to continue any further." And on Saturday, August 26th, President Bush and twelve other countries officially declared war on midgets.